Just a few days ago, I had a moment all parents of boys dread. I was heading upstairs, and I took the shortcut through their room. The two boys, ages 11 and 13, share the room. Typical boys room... I paused to throw their pillows back on their beds, move a few books from the floor back to the bookshelves, and stack a couple computer games back onto the computer stand. Just before moving on, I grabbed the 3 1/2" floopy computer disk off of the floor too. It was apparently their old homework disk that had gotten kicked halfway under the bookshelf. We don't usually use those any more since we moved to using zip disks to transfer files between computers, so I carried it upstairs to store away with the other old floppies. When I got upstairs I stuck it in my computer to be sure it was empty before sticking it away with the others.
Oops. Um... it wasn't empty. Did I mention that my older son is 13? Yeah, I thought I had. Ok... well... so you are probably knowing what I'm about to say, right?
The disk was obviously his. There were four files on it. The file names were names he uses for instant messenger and online games. There were two jpeg files, one MS Word document, and one link to a jpeg on their computer. The document was corrupted and wouldn't open, so I tried the jpegs next.
The first one was a cute girl... had a website logo stamped on it... tight cropped tshirt... panties kinda pulled down... and a hand reaching from behind to cover her pussy. At least he's got good taste. But damn. Ok, so the next jpeg was a smaller pic. Thumbnail sized. Chest down, action shot, guy on top.
Did I mention he's 13? I am not ready for this yet! Sure everyone knows it's coming, but that's supposed to be later!
I hit their computer to check out the third jpeg. It was another girl... nude in public. Ok, that's better than an action shot I guess. But where'd he get these from?
Browser history is a good thing. When you have it. Didn't I have their computer set up to save browser history? Shit, I can't remember, so how do I know if he changed the setting or not?
Oh well...we all love cookies, right? Well he must love them anyway, because he had lots of them. A nice variety, including such lovely website names as "Lesbian Lessons", etc. (I might have to take notes of the websites before I clear out his cookies!)
Ok, so here's the dilemma. Porn isn't all that bad of a thing in my eyes. Well much of it anyway. But damn... he's only 13! I'm new to this part of motherhood! So I'm hitting up my friends, asking their opinions on how to handle this.
One friend told me to toss the disk, fix his computer so he can't get to porn sites, and not say a word to him. After all, he's not likely to ask me about it, right? I can see that conversation now:
Hey mom... have you seen my floppy disk that was in my room?
Oh, you mean the one with the naked pics on it?
Yeah that one... I need it. Know what happened to it?
Yeah ok, that one's not going to happen. She's got a point, he won't ask me. He'll be terrified that I found it, and perhaps scared to access the web sites too. For a while. Until he decides that I didn't say anything so perhaps I don't really know. Maybe it just got lost.
I just don't think that saying nothing is the best option. I like to use life's experiences to make sure that life's lessons are taught. I have points to make, and dammit, I want to make them!
Let me think a little bit... Ok, I think I have some points now. I guess that I want to get the points across that:
- he's too young to be accessing that stuff on the web
- there's a lot of bad stuff NO one should be accessing on the web
- it's normal, and I'm not po'd, but as his parent I've gotta stop it anyway
So what's the best way to handle this? C'mon you guys... picture your mom finding your porn stash. How should she deal with it?
Did I mention that he is 13?
14 comments:
Don't mention this incident, place a virus, spam and site filter on the pc and monitor their usage. You keep track of what friends they hang out with and where they go right? So why not who they're visiting with and where they go on the web?
Oh, and loose a good jar of lube in their bathroom. You don't want them rubbin' themselves raw do ya?
I came from a family where the silence tactic was used. Not knowing whether they know or don't know wreaks havoc on the teenage mind.
Delete any links/cookies and keep the disk for your own personal stash. Then monitor his activity periodically by checking the cookies and history. If it gets out of control then say something. Let him grow for now.
I don't think I'd do anything - just monitor for anything beyond Playboy level for now. I had plenty of that as a kid, and think it was actually positive overall.
For one thing, it turns out you DO "read the articles" (eventually), and half of them were about pleasing women & good sex in general. The other half were about car stereos, which was completely lost on me.
That said, there are certainly lots of things on the web more shocking than 70s & 80s Playboy magazine. Some I wish I could un-see myself. If a parent is going to talk to him, a big part might be about that - and that the younger siblings are not ready for that stuff.
Not a parent so take this with a grain of salt. I think closely monitering is a good thing and kind of let it be but ... I think they need to be talked to if you have not already. Not necessarily to talk to them for what you found but to warn them about the evils that are out there.
You can try and make it so they can not visit these sites but, face it, they are probably smarter than you when it comes to the computer even though you are in the Technology industry. Plus they can draw on all their friends for information. They will find a way around what ever is done.
The Internet can be an interesting place but it can be a scary place, especially for kids. What ever you do, I don't think you can afford to just ignore it.
Isn't this a ackward situation? It will happen with smoking, drinking and drugs too if you ever did any of these in your teens. How can you tell them not to do this when you did? Being a good parent ... where is that darn owners manual when you need it?
Hmm, if i were you, i'd just be glad you didn't find "voyeurweb-Fishnet Nips" in their browser history.
Thanks for the feedback so far. Yeah Saucy Monk, you can bet I checked for Voyeurweb cookies... lol
But most people seem to be telling me to not say anything... either take it away and not say anything, or let him have it and not say anything. To me, that's not a good option. I grew up with no open lines of communication. My only "sex talk" came in college... dad said something along the lines of "wait till marriage" and "mom and I are old but we still enjoy it". Too little/too late. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to feel like they CAN ask me about things... even sex.
I just don't know how comfortable I feel letting the boys have free rein to all the crap that's out on the web. Heck, I don't even want to see some of that shit. And yes, I've viewed a chunk of their browser history, and they HAVE seen some of that shit. At least one of them has... I can't say which one or if it's both or not.
The naked pics... sure, fine, whatever. Straight sex? Um... well, ok. If you have to. Ditto to the BJ's and facials. Girl/girl... well, do you have to? Sheesh. Anal? Ok, we're getting a bit much here. And when I got to the guy/guy pics I was cringing. I mean... I'm not homophobic, but I really have a tough time knowing my 11 and/or 13 year old sons have viewed photos of two guys giving blow jobs to each other and fucking each other. I'm 42 and I don't really want to see that. Sheesh, keep it behind closed doors!!
So I'll say that saying nothing is NOT an option to me. The issue is what to say. And I'm getting to the point where letting them have full access to the internet may not be an option to me right now either. I'm not sure they are mature enough to have that much available to them.
I appreciate those who have left feedback... but would also appreciate more comments, including those who DON'T agree. And if you have comments and don't feel comfortable posting publicly, you may email me... comelywnch@yahoo.com
Thanks,
~L
Lara ~ I guess I chose to have you not bring up the lost floppy because I would not have wanted my mom to know I had been looking at porn. I can tell you I had a great relationship with my mom. She was involved in my activities, knew all, well most of my friends and I could talk to her about most things, including dating and girls. But there was one subject I would never bring up with my mom, and that was masturbation. That topic was taboo. Masturbation was something good boys just didn't do.
But of course I did it. Would I have done it more had porn been as available then as it is now? I'm not sure.
If you feel you must say something, you need to decide if this is the time for the sit down discussion, or just a drive by. If you decide to place limits on internet access, will they look at them as punishment for the floppy incident since it was the basis for the discussion and go underground as Ord Joe suggested?
I really think you should ignore the floppy for now. I'd communicate to them you have decided, after reading an article in Ladies' Home Journal, to set limits on internet access. Define for them what they are allowed to view and what they are not allowed to view. And notify them you will be monitoring this.
However, before you decide to talk to your boys about porn, understand, the topic of masturbation will be an underlying issue. These two go hand in hand so to speak. Will you bring up masturbation, or avoid it? Will you wait to broach the subject until you catch them in the act? Have you thought about how you will react when you do catch them? I think it's safe to say they are going to masturbate, if they haven't already started.
Please don't embarrass them too much mom!
LOL Horsn... Oh, I'm sure the older one masturbates... I won't go into details on how I know. And I'm pretty sure his "lube" of choice so far is Vaseline (the greasy stuff, not the lotion). I haven't brought it up in the past other than to tell him to keep it in a private place.
I have no intention to embarass him. I'm the one who gave him "the talk" several years ago. (however it didn't include porn!) I know him pretty well, and I intend to be very cautious in how I approach this all... that's why I'm waiting so long to bring anything up at all. But I really feel like I need to know if the younger boy was involved, which means I have to ask the older one at least that much, which means he'll know that I know something.
The gay porn stuff is still freaking me out. The anal porn would have freaked me out more if it hadn't been so frickin' hot!
Ok about monitoring it... are you saying I should use software to block it, or are you saying just set verbal limits and then monitor to see if they follow the limits? Can software block only certain things? Can it simply monitor without blocking? I'm not all that familiar with those types of software yet.... it's not anything I've had to know before!
I'm not sure there is a cut & dry way of approaching this issue.
I'm going to throw out some ideas, maybe you can take bits from each of us.
Each child is different, sensitivity, maturity, etc. You have to take these things into consideration when deciding on how to approach this.
Are you going to talk to him about this issue or will it be both you and your husband together?
I would hope it would be both of you.
Maybe you could approach it this way.
(family discussion about sex and the internet), don't mention the disc(i'm afraid something this personal may psychologically freeze him up), he knows it's missing.(I think some of the subject matter you brought up if it were me at his age would have been devastating to have someone find out...btw I think it's just....curiousity).
Then you can bring up the subject of putting restrictions on their web page access.
Insert some talk about sex and how adult rated material even R rated movies which are violent can be too much for a mind which is still growing to handle.
a)talk about sex
b)talk about sex & the internet
c)ignore the disc
d)both parents have discussion together
e)place restrictions on webpage access
Finally lara, you are an adult, the choices you make are as an adult.
There is nothing hypocritical about telling your child not to do something when you yourself do it.
You are still caretaker of his mind and body and as the adult you have to make choices for him until he is old enough to do it for himself.
Good luck....
Hey Lara, have you checked some of what is available out there. I checked the site for Net Nanny. It looks like they may have some very interesting material on their site. Of course they mention their product but it still could be a great learning experience from people and groups that have been there.
They mention that the Intenert thing is much more than what they do in your house. Internet is everywhere. They seem to push you having a good relationship with them about the Internet to help them make the right choices when you can not be around.
So I am NOT pushing Net Nanny, nor am I pushing any other simular product or service like Clean Web, but why not take advantage of what ever information there is out there to help bring yourself up to speed and further draw on others experiences.
Here is the link to Net Nanny. www.NetNanny.com
(((Lara))) Best wishes with your boys. Thanks for this topic. I am finding it fascinating to see peoples points of view on this. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Since everyone else wrote a book, I won't. What are you going to do when he finds your blog? Doh!
13 is not too old. Hello? It's time to have a condom conversation though. Give him a box. Tell him you'd prefer he never used them 'til he's say 35, but if he does have sex to protect himself.
btw- I don't have kids, so feel free to reject this approach.
Lara...
I have two boys...24 and 19 now..
The elder one was never much of a problem..but the younger one...whewwwwwww...
When he was 12 I found copies of Playboy and other more explicit sex magazines under his mattress..
Mind you I don't usually check there..but was doing a spring clean and found them..
I didn't mention them..just put back exactly as I had found..
Mind you every time I looked at his innocent little 12 year old face pics of him looking at those magazines flashed past me..
Anyway all was quiet for awhile..then when he was I think bout 13 and half...actually caught him in the act...wanking while looking at a naked female pic...
I don't know who was most shocked ..me or him...
I honestly didn't know what to do for a few seconds...just stunned..you should have seen the look of guilt on his face..priceless..
I decided not to make an issue of it...so calmly said his father wanted him outside..which was what I had gone looking for him for anyway..
Then again when he was in high school..16 then..I guess thats plenty old enuff..lol...was for me anyway..but thats another story..
I actually walked into room where his computer was.. he didn't hear me coming..until it was too late..
I didnt see what was on his puter..he must have panicked and shut it down..alas in his haste as he stood up had forgotton to zip his shorts...hmmmm...he also had a hand towel in one hand..
Lol...every picture tells a story don't it?..
I just pretended I didn't see anything..just made a mental note to check his computer later to see if I could find what he was watching..
This I did..went to My Recent Documents..the latest one there was one of those porn ones..you know the girl in the doctors surgery...getting the full internal examination..
There were stax of others two..lots of girl to girl...boy to girl..but thank god no boy to boy stuff..that dont mean he hadnt watched any tho..coz knowing him he sure as hell had..
I don't kno if I did the right thing not causing a scene over any of these incidents..but his going on 20 now and is in a steady relationship with a very nice girl..
Him and I get on fine..lol..his a lot like me in many ways..believe me..
Oh yeah..another incident..hehe...
only last year..hubby and I went away for a few days.. left him home by himself..the outlaws live rite next door so his not reallee by himself..
Okay..the story..my computer was only one with a webcam..and I saved my chats..encrypted of coz..geez wouldn't want anyone to read them..
He always told me he never used my computer..HAHA..what a lie..a few weeks later I was going thru my chat logs and lo and behold here was all these logs of names I had never heard of..and they weren't encrypted..
Was I in for an eyeopener when I read them..whewwwwwwwwwwww
But the one that topped it was I remember the date quite clearly..son had rang me while I was away..asked if he could use my car to drive to school..(he usually caught the bus)...his excuse was that he had to finish his woodwork assignment..was making a coffee table..and was going to stay a bit later..
Naturally I said that was OK..
Apparantly this was not the REAL reason why he wanted the car tho..
There was one chat log there of one of his mates..and he was saying how this real hot girl in his class had the hots for him...and wanted sex that afternoon..
WHEWWWWWWWWW...IN MY CAR?????
I never told him I had seen any of this..I'm sure if I had of told hubby there would have been hell to pay..
So yeah..the things a mother does for her boys hey...
So guys..I mite not be perfect in many ways..but I remember when I was their age..what it was like..
Lara..I think don't say anything about the disc..but as others have suggested keep as close an eye on their movements as you can without being obvious about it..the last thing you want to do is embarrass them..make them sound as tho sex is dirty...
I know we can't run their lives for them but we can try to influence them in the right direction..
Okay..I hope I have't rambled on too much here..
Good luck Lara..I know your a great mum and I'm sure you will handle this predicament very well..
well, i'm going to head in a different direction than many of the other posters on this thread.
i've had the porn discussion with my kids and have been completely up front about it. when my son was caught trooping around an anime (art) site looking at nude anime drawings we (mrs_c and i) just brought it up straight - talked about it at the dinner table with his little sister present as well.
i have two kids. boy 14, girl 10.
i had the basic birds and the bees discussion with my son at age 8 when he was getting too interested in store mannequins in the ladies underwear section while we were out shopping...
i have had several straight up conversations since then.
we have had wide open internet access since he was 2 - high speed since he was 4. he's had access to the net all through that period. usually supervised, sometimes not.
we have our single TV set up with the V chip on PG. we have some questionable cable channels and programs in our package, especially on friday and saturday nights.
we keep the computers in our household office/computer room. there are no TVs or computers in bedrooms. i have told them that i keep an eye on where they go with the computers on an intermittent basis. i have told them that i don't monitor, but i do audit - that way it avoids the "big brother" elements on monitoring, but still makes them aware we have the ability to monitor.
in actuality i rarely look to see where they go. i trust them a fair bit. i also don't worry about what they wander into that much. they will see about it or hear about it in the schoolyard or at friends places. i try to equip them with the same filter i use, and try to get them to agree themselves that they will not peruse such things. i don't go onto most of those sites, and i don't think that beyond curiosity they will go too far over the edge.
one of the key elements of this that i have tried to impress on him is the need to keep his sister clear of exposure to such things as he might encounter - he is quite proctective. i have used this to my advantage.
i share lara's concern over the potential exposure of the 11 year old to really gross stuff. the older child needs to be made aware that such things are not good for an 11 year old.
my wife is of the "don't discuss it with them" school of thought. i was a serious perv by the age of 6, already looking at playboys my friends and i had scored from Dads and older brothers, so my take on the universe and how kids view things is different than my wife. she lived in some weird pristine naive universe i thought only belonged to leave it to beaver
i/we have told both of them that there are bad things on the internet. i usually discuss scatalogical pictures ("do you really want to see a picture of someone pooping on someone else?" i ask them).
i have discussed it in the context of child pornography and their own personal security.
i/we have told them that mild erotica is ok, but best left until they are older. we try to rely on convincing them that there is a time and place for such things when they are older.
it's the same approach we try with drugs. drinking, drugs and sex are best left until after high school and you are a fully developed adult.
my daughter talked to me about the girls in school thinking you could get pregnant from anal sex. i set her straight , and had a frank discussion about different practices. she had really straightforward questions about how anal sex is accomplished. i discussed lubricant, and answered questions about gay guys. i discussed some of the issues surrounding sex, and still tried to steer her toward just a wait until you are older scenario for actually doing anything. i pointed out that if she were to experiment with any of the guys - let's say a "show me yours, and i'll show you mine" - that within seconds of her not being there they would tell all their friends and everyone at school. i asked her if she thought that would be a very good social environment to be in (she has a particularly nasty infighting situation in her class with some of the other girls). i asked if she thought she might be able to endure the taunts.
i had a discussion with my son about how you can avoid being pressured into rinking, drugs and sex. here's how you can pretend to drink at a party so you are not the "loser", here's how you can fake a drag off a joint, here's how to avoid sex. avoid sex? why would a 13/14 year old want to avoid sex? i explained to him that even if he was thinking about it he would want to wait until later. why? because he is still "not completely developed" and that until he had grown hair down there, or his penis had changed size and shape with maturity, he might want to avoid the possibility of a poor comparison (hopefully that didn't freak him out for life, but it was in the context of waiting until maturity so i think i'm safe)
back to porn...
i had a couple of playboys in old boxes from my single days that i had never tossed out. i showed them to my son (not flipping through, just as a small stack), put them in the back of a file cabinet drawer, and told him where to find them. i said that they were mild enough to be acceptable and might answer some curiosity he might have. he said "whatever" and went back to his computer game. i recognise that providing soft pornography is probably illegal in some jurisdictions, but not in this context in mine. everything that he would see in those mags is available on unblocked (except by me) cable channels.
i agree with DSFOA above when he says that playboy articles are actually pretty useful.
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your situation, my advice:
bring up the floppy with your older son in a one on one situation. tell him it is innappropriate to leave that sort of stuff lying around.
tell him there isn't a problem with wanting to look, but that he needs to be careful about what he wanders into.
ask him about the sites you know he's been to. don't tell him how you found out where, just ask him.
make like you know more than you do, and ask him if he's got any questions or comments about what he saw.
tell him to stay off the gay and hardcore sites. tell him if he wants to look at something, you or his dad will cough it up, because the internet is a scungy place.
ask him what his little brother has seen.
tell him if his little brother gets exposed to any more stuff you'll cut his nuts off.
ask him if he has any questions.
if need be, discuss things with the younger child in the same philosophical groundwork, but in a tone appropriate for an 11 year old
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if i have any other bits of wisdom i'll post, or if can answer how i did something with my kids, let me know.
Personally, I tell my son to enjoy, but don't spread it around. I think that Nudity is a healthy part of growing up for a boy and the way we handle this time could be the difference between healthy sexual relationships when the time is right (for him) and violent displays of repressed sexual feelings.
I use it as an ice-breaker to discuss important sexual topics as birth-control, RESPECT for his PARTNERS and for HIMSELF, and HIV/AIDS, And all the other little souvenirs that no-one wants.
In our case I took extra time to impress on him that the other kids and teachers at his school would probably not share my open ideas on the subject.
In the end I think he trusts me more now and I know he will talk to me when he has questions...Just a thought.
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