What REALLY tempted Eve?

Bruce Springsteen had his ideas about what tempted Adam...

They say Eve tempted Adam with an apple,
Man I ain't going for that.
I say it was her pink cadillac...

Sure, that works, Bruce, but what about Eve? What got her to feed Adam that fruit in the first place?

The snake, right?

Ok, so we all know how charming snakes are. Sexy & sleek & all. Oh yeah, that would tempt me. I think she'd be more likely to do it because she was threatened rather than tempted.

Snake: Here. Eat this apple.
Eve: Um... if I do will you go away?
Snake: Sure. I'm nice that way.
Eve: *crunch*
Snake: Ok, now go feed one to that guy over there.
Eve: Hey you promised to go away.
Snake: I didn't say when. Just do it.
Eve: Oh.. Adam... (coquettish look)... try this.
Adam: Uh... isn't that the thing we're not supposed to eat?
Eve: (batting eyelashes inbetween frightened looks at the snake) But... if you do I'll give you a blow job.
Adam: What's a blow job?
Eve: Just eat this... you'll find out.
Adam: If I eat it, can I go back to my nap?
Eve: Sure... if you still want to. (evil grin)
Adam: *crunch*
Snake: See ya.
Adam: Who was that? And hold on... why does he have two cocks when I only have one?

Two cocks?

Um. Yeah. Kinda.

See... apparently little girl snakes squirm around. And little boy snakes wanna do that birds and bees thing too. So they squirm too. And sometimes that penis... um... well.. (whispering) breaks off... um... during the process of... well you know. So they get a spare.

(pausing to wait for male screams to subside)

I wonder if Eve knew about that?

I don't really like snakes all that much, but as I live with 3 of them (not counting the one attached to my husband) I've learned a few things. And while no one really knows why they have two penises, it really is true.

Male snakes have two penis (called hemipenes or “half penis” in the mistaken belief that they were pressed together to form one penis). Lizards are similarly equipped. Some snakes alternate between the two for separate matings, some just use which ever is closest to the female. The hemipenes inflates when it is inserted into the female and some hemipenes may be forked or spined, probably to ensure it stays inside the female during what can be a long mating.

Are all you guys jealous now?

Well... don't get too jealous...

Most snakes mate once a year, usually timing it so that the young will emerge when it is warm and prey is abundant. But some snakes don’t mate every year. Females usually don’t eat when they are pregnant so they need to build up their strength before they mate again. It can be years in between matings. Seasnakes may mate only once every 10 years!

And since they don't get it very often, they need to be creative to make sure that they don't miss their opportunities.

Some males prevent the female from mating with other males by prolonging mating (remaining connected for up to 6 hours). Other simply hang around for a few days, keeping other males off. Some plug her up with secretions.

Some are even sneakier: Garter Snakes (Thamnophis sirtalis) hibernate in large communal groups. In spring, the males emerge first and wait for the females to emerge. When a female sleepily stumbles out, tons of males form frenzied mating balls around her. Some males produce female pheromones which confuse other males and give them a chance to fertilise the real female. Once a male gets to her, the others scatter because he releases a pheromone than causes temporary impotence in other males.

Kind of like their own "date rape" style. I wonder where the little snake police are while this is happening.

And that breaking off thing? Well... one of our books mentioned that. I assume it's true, but I have no way of knowing. As far as I know, our little boy snakes haven't lost any important parts. Yet.

So... if anyone ever tells you "men are snakes", look at the bright side. At least you'd get two penises. Even if you'd seldom get to use them. Which might be good, since it might get ripped off.

So what does all of that mean to you? Well, apparently the chinese think that it must mean something. Snake.. um.. extracts... are used in medicines that claim all sorts of... um... happy... results.

This Chinese patent formula has been used for over one hundred years to promote man's vitality, strength, sexual desire and sexual power. it has most expensive, rare and powerful tonic ingredients to heal imppotence, premature ejaculation, asexuality. And to enhance man's vital energy and longevity. It is the best male nutrition product for man with weak sexual desire, lack of man's power and energy.

Wow... I wonder if it can make men better looking too!

Don't need any of that? Well, are you one of those macho guys who eat the worm from the bottom of the tequila bottle? (ok, I suppose some of you women are macho too, sorry if I offended you by insinuating that only men can eat the worms).

Anyway.

Are you tired of tequila worms? You've had so many that they have lost their charm? You don't even swallow them any more? You just bite their little heads off and play "looky-looky" with the guy at the other side of the bar?

Ok, have I got something for you...

Tequila is for wimps. Here in China they put lethal snakes in their liquor. I had read the snake wine legend in one of my first Chinese language textbooks but I somehow figured that the snake would be gone when you bought the liquor. As you can see on the right, you buy the liquor, you buy the snake.

According to the literature from Golden Pheasant Brand Snake Wines at the store:

The snakes are immersed in 100% rice wine in special glass bottles and then they are sealed and stored in a cellar for five years... The wines, containing substances necessary for the human body, are high quality tonics. Regularly drinking appropriate quantities of the wines can moisturize your skin, improve your appetite, and strenghten your bones, tendons and muscles. They are used to treat general fatigue, hair loss, migraine headaches, rheumatism, and neurasthenia. The tonic wines do not cause dryness syndrome, such as constipation, thirst, dryness of the throat and nose. People of all ages and both sexes, including pregnant women, can drink them in four seasons.

Impress your friends... swallow THAT!

Resources quoted (just in case I didn't torture you enough above and you want more):
Snake Love
Male Snake Penis Essence
Snake Wine Shop