Reunions

So is this a word that strikes fear in your mind? Or anticipation?

I assume most of you out there have experienced a few high school class reunions. I just had my 5th (reunion, not 5-year). And I've noticed that each time my feelings are about the same.

I think people go to reunions for varying reasons. Some go because they sincerely want to catch up with old friends. Some are curious about who accomplished what. And some just want to show everyone else what they have accomplished.

Me? Well... I've accomplished um... well I do have a job and a family. No big surprise there. But I can't really show them some of my favorite accomplishments, such as my hobbies.

At my recent reunion, there was a lot of reminiscing going on. And it brought back memories to me too... memories of all the things I never took part in. Things I was never invited to take part in. Things I was excluded from. Things that were hidden from me. I realized, yet again, how much I was NOT a part of my class.

At the reunion, they did this little event where you chose a topic from a baggie and said the first thing that came to mind about the topic. It became more and more apparent to me that I wasn't really a part of this class. Very few of the memories involved anything that I was a part of. There was one question that asked something about the smartest person in the class. That was about the only time my name came up.

Yes I was the class valedictorian. Big hairy deal. And big surprise... what else did I have to do other than study?

See, I had this brother. He was rejected. Badly. In fact, 4 years after he graduated, being called his name was the worst insult someone could give you. So I learned by watching his experiences.

I learned that being different isn't a good thing. Standing out will get you nothing but ridicule. I learned to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open. I learned to get attention by excelling academically.

I was the "shy, quiet girl with the nice smile."

Does that sound like me? My friends, husband, and kids now all laugh hysterically if I try to make that claim. Though they'll agree with the nice smile part.

Back then, the commencement speakers were voted into the role, not automatically given the position by virtue of class position. So of course, I was NOT a commencement speaker. I wouldn't have wanted to speak in front of anyone anyway. But I got to thinking what I would LIKE to say to my former classmates.

As I sit and listen to everyone's memories, I wonder why I come to reunions. I was obviously not a part of this class in anything except school seating positions. Everyone's memories of school are actually memories of activities with school friends, not memories of school itself.

My memories? Fortunately I have few.

I remember putting an anonymous Valentine's Day card in Tim's locker in 8th grade. Tim was shy, and blushed from top to bottom. I never told Tim it was me because I didn't want to face being rejected.

I remember being chosen last for just about everything, especially sports activies. I remember learning to expect it... being given the stupid parts in class plays... being one of the few not invited to Karen's slumber party.

I remember being part of library club and science club and spanish club... the clubs with all the other geeks in them. I can't remember any activities we did. I guess we didn't do anything very memorable.

I remember Paul's comment to me at senior play dress rehearsal... apparently inspired by the extremely short white shorts I had on. Paul commented, "Nice legs!" It was the one and only compliment I ever remember receiving from anyone in my home area regarding my looks. Sure I'd get compliments, looks, and whistles when away from home on vacations... but I guess I wasn't deserving of that from people who actually knew me. I've always wanted to thank Paul for that, and if he ever attends a class reunion, I will.

I remember going to the junior prom with my 3 best friends because I got turned down by the two guys who I asked. And I remember overhearing the shocked, "Is that Lara" from a classmate as I kissed my senior prom date... my first ever date. I remember turning down Merv when he called to ask me out several times late in my senior year because I wouldn't go out with anyone I was totally uninterested in, just for the privilege of finally having a date.

I remember going off to college with relief... with the opportunity to finally find who I wanted to be rather than fitting the box I felt shoved into. I remember coming home at school breaks and feeling myself turn back into the shy, quiet girl with the nice smile.... the girl who never went anywhere and never did anything. I remember making the decision to not spend long breaks at home any more... to never live in that area because I didn't like the person that I became when there.

I still have some of that girl in me. Hurts from the past, whether real or imaginary, are never easily left behind. But I have also learned a lot since high school.

I have learned that there is much more to me than what I let anyone see. I have learned that people can be cruel, but that letting that cruelty dictate who you become is only your own fault. I have learned that a good portion of the dismissal that I received growing up was my own fault... I let myself become a person who was easily dismissed due to my fears of standing out.

I have learned that while I may be insecure, that I am neither shy nor quiet (to the chagrin of my husband and children!) And I have learned to confront that insecurity... to push myself beyond it allows me to also move past some of it. I have learned that much of my insecurity is totally unfounded, and that I have far more abilities and gifts than I ever gave myself credit for. I have learned that only by pushing yourself beyond your fears can you actually achieve the things you want to achieve.

I have learned that because I wasn't 'dateable' back in high school, a bunch of guys back then just missed out on getting to know a really wonderful person. I have learned that the girls who were 'dateable' didn't end up any better than I am. Some became pregnant at unintended times and ended up married and divorced in dead-end jobs.

I haven't had any huge accomplishments since high school, but I've also not had any huge failures. I still have my original husband, and three very intelligent and good-looking children. I have the ability to work part-time by choice.

(And I look better in my clothes than most of my classmates... and probably better out of them too. In fact, I firmly believe that I look better now than I did 25 years ago... how many people can say THAT?)

I've never really felt like I fit anywhere, so I've learned that I can't blame anyone for not fitting in high school either. Back then I was little more than a product of my own fears. But I have learned that what you become is far more important than who you were in high school. I'm not sure I would have realized that if I hadn't gone to reunions, so for that reason I'll probably continue to attend them.