You know the old saying, "You are what you eat." Well then, this morning I am cheese and chocolate pudding. Which is rather scary. I'd never eat like that if my husband were around though. He's a bit of a control freak (and THAT is a bit of an under-exaggeration.)
Under-exaggeration is not a word. I know that. But I love to use it anyway. It's the only word (ok, it's the only NON-word) that I know that carries quite that meaning, and it's just extremely useful. Because I under-exaggerate quite often to make my points.
I have a good friend who makes fun of me whenever I say that. I think it drives him nuts. And I don't say it to drive him nuts. That's just an added bonus.
But anyway, back to my diet (or lack thereof). See, when the husband isn't around, I can eat what I want. When he's here, I'll get these subtle little comments that let me know he's watching and noticing. Things that may not sound critical if taken at face value, but over the years I've learned that they usually are critical.
It's all part of his secret plot to turn me into a little mini-me version of himself. He's kind of like a human Borg. Resistance is futile. (And if that's not a mixed up combination of movie references, I don't know what is! hehe)
But I continue to resist.
I think it's important to be me, not some little female incarnation of my husband. I don't live to work. My job does not define who I am. I don't need a particular amount of money to feel secure. I don't need the biggest house. I don't care how many cars my neighbor has in his driveway, or if he has clutter sitting behind his house. In fact, I don't even care if he rents out the back part of his house when the zoning here technically doesn't allow it. I don't stress over our trees that MIGHT come down in a storm or the school that is going to be built in our neighborhood and its potential effect on property values. I don't worry that we will be annexed into the city limits when that happens.
Things like that don't make me crazy. And I get rather tired of hearing my husband rant about things. I don't really care if we build a new house or not, though I can see that new house in my mind and I'm really excited that it might materialize. But if it doesn't, so what.
I can live where I am now, and I can be just as happy here as somewhere else. If I am not happy here, I probably won't be happy after I move either.
And that's the part he can't seem to realize. The problem isn't the house or the neighbors or the yardwork or his job or any of the other things he worries or complains about.
The problem is within yourself. And you won't find happiness outside if what is making you unhappy lies inside.
13 comments:
Very profound words! Happiness is indeed an internal state, rather than an external accessory.
You're so wise-
Are you Buddha?!
I'm sorry you're being criticized. I try to accept my darling wife for who she is, however she is, in whatever state she is. Looks don't matter - it's the mind and the heart inside that matter, and it's my job to make her feel beautiful and special and loved no matter what.
It sounds like maybe your hubby needs to take a page from your book. You have the better attitude about those things that will just lead to grey hair and wrinkles. Hand that man a chocolate beer and a chunk of cheese and tell him to lighten up!
ps.. does marvin the martian have a brother? :)
WBT, I don't THINK I'm Buddha, but I'd be glad to have some of his wisdom. :)
Marvin, I envy those whose spouses accept them for who they are. I live with the knowledge that looks DO matter to him, and with constantly wondering if he truly even knows or sees what is inside me. It can be a tough way to live.
Chanda, my attitude works for me. And at least I'll probably never have to worry about high blood pressure! But what's this about chocolate beer? That sounds almost drinkable! lol
My husband grew up with very little - subsequently he likes to acquire a lot of things - me - I like things but I don't think I care quite as much as he does about them. On the other hand, I am usually the one worked up about the mounds of crap piling up behind a neighbor's house because it might attract mice or rats. Back on the other hand - every time we have moved or bought a new car it was because he wanted to. So - there is balance there... sorry this is YOUR blog isn't it?! LOL!
Just one more thing - you are beautiful and no one should make you feel like anything less. Skulking around watching what you eat making snide remarks - even things that may be categorized as passive-aggressive is JUST not okay, Lara. Don't let him do that to you... Remind him that looks can be stolen from you at any time. Does he want you to cringe at the sight of HIM when he is no longer on the cover of GQ? What's that? He's NOT on the cover of GQ? Perhaps you can remind him of that.
Hugs to you - sorry you have to live that way, :(
Daisy, First of all, the blog is mine, but the comments are YOURS. :) And I do try to stand up to it, but sometimes it's hard. After so much of it you tend to wonder whose problem it really is.
And I'd NEVER be so mean as to point out that he's not GQ material. I figure it's better to build him up... he tends to be harder on himself than he is on me. He's way too hard on himself, but he's harder on me when he is feeling down on himself, so I try to reassure him that I think he looks great. (though he probably doesn't believe me!)
I don't worry about the things you don't worry about either. So I support you in your non-worrying.
Cripes!
You know me well enough to hear this words and understand from whence they came:
I want to smack that worrying, picking, antagonizing shit right out of your husband's head.
I think I'm just the woman to do it.
I was married for 28 years, but the last 10 or so were no fun at all. We filed for divorce, and after it ended, i remarried, and well, after 10 years, its been the greatest 10 years ever. These 10 years have been the best years of married life. I can say that part of it is that we both had ex's, and we learned to ignore most stuff except each other.
Its clearly attitude. Never let unmet expectations go hidden, and never let hurt feelings die a lonely death. Get it out, communicate, and leave it alone after that.
I can say that we have not had any fights, not even an ill word in these 10 years. Attitude is EVERYTHING, and there is no such thing as a bad day when your together.
Some people live life like they are a thermoter, they lket the heat around themselves dictate how they feel. The best way is to live life like a thermostat, YOU control the heat, and you always get what you want that way. You cant control the wind of your spouse, but you can control the attitude of your sails. Go with the flow.
peace out!
I think men generally worry about that sort of stuff more than women do. For me, at least, I'm so wrapped up in the daily minutiae of child rearing, etc, that I don't have time to worry about all that jazz. I'm usually more worried one of the children is going to get MRSA and die. Slip your hubby a Lexapro in his coffee every morning; that'll chill him out!!!
Jason... thanks. I think. Though that was sort of an odd sentence, so I'm still figuring out exactly what you said! hehe
BuddhaGirl... you are THE woman, no doubt. I'm counting on you!
Larry, communication is definitely the key. When that goes, everything else goes to hell. I'm trying to force myself to communicate better, but it can be tough.
Jennifer, maybe that's the problem... I'm too busy to have time to worry! Now if I could just get the hubby to be a coffee drinker, we'd be all set!
I love the last line of this.... said perfectly.
Thanks Ed.
And sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of that last line too!
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