Life's a risk

I do this thing that my husband calls 'setting him up for failure'. And I don't just do it to him either.

When something is important to me, I want it to be important to the people that I care about the most. And if they show me that it is, then I feel validated. I matter to them, because they remembered my important events.

Of course it could just be that they own a good calendar reminder software, but I prefer not to consider that option.

The problem is that I also interpret them forgetting my important events as proof that I'm not important to them. And I also expect it to happen. By not letting myself hope for what I really want, I tell myself that it won't hurt as much when I don't get it.

I tell myself that. But it's a big lie. It still hurts. A lot.

Plus I spend the days depressed, prior to whatever important thing I was purposely pretending didn't matter, so I don't have to be depressed after it.

And yes, that is one hellishly confusing sentence. Just shut up and read it over. Eventually it'll make sense. I hope.

My husband thinks I should just tell him what I want. Remind him of the important things so he has a chance to do it right. Tell him what I want for gifts so he doesn't have to try to figure out what I might want and risk getting it wrong.

He wants an insurance policy. A get-out-of-jail-free card.

Not reminding him is what he means by setting him up for failure. I'm insuring he won't do what I want because I don't give him the reminders he needs.

When he says that, somehow it seems to make sense, like he's really right. He has this way of presenting his twisted logic that just makes it sound logical.

But when I think about it - really think - it just sounds like a cop-out. He wants an easy out. He doesn't want to have to work... to think... to remember... to anticipate what I might like. And he wants a way to make it my fault when he screws up.

But is it my job to give him that?

If I spend the days prior to my birthday depressed, hoping beyond hope that a really close friend will remember it, when my biggest fear is that he probably won't... and if he notices that I'm depressed and pushes me to tell him what's wrong, but I just give him superficial answers and don't tell him it's because, more than anything... and more than anyone else I know... it's important to me that HE remembers my birthday without being reminded...

Am I setting him up for failure?

Is it unrealistic to expect your spouse or really close friends to know what is important to you, and to make it a point to remember? Is it really my job to tell them, or my fault if I don't and they forget?

I'd like to think that by NOT giving them an easy way out, I'm also setting them up for spectacular successes. How can someone succeed if you don't give them opportunities? Clearly opportunities for success go hand-in-hand with equal opportunities for failure. But who would want to remove all opportunities for success in order to remove all chances of failure?