It's been a long road since I last wrote. Selling the house and moving. Crying because I was now 'homeless'. Working our asses off on the house we bought as a rental, so we could move into it. Kid #1 graduating from high school and going off to college. Kid #2 going away to the boarding school that kid #1 went to prior. Ending an almost 10 year friendship that more resembled an addiction than a friendship. Hearing another 10 year friend tell me that my husband was emotionally abusive, and having to look at the reality of that. Realizing that the thought of building my dream house was giving me panic attacks because my husband would be living in it, but the kids were growing to the point that it might just be the two of us. Telling him I don't want to be married to him any more.
The idea of having to live with him, with no kids as buffers is terrifying. Knowing that this "dream house" would stress our finances to the point that we'd be either trapped together or financially ruined apart.
Dealing with his arguments that I'm doing this because friends are pressuring me... that this is totally unlike me so someone must be influencing me... that I am just depressed and should see a doctor about my depression... that I'm menopausal... that I must be having an affair... that I'm ruining all of his goals and dreams (what about the fact that I could never even HAVE goals or dreams?) Funny how he never really can look at himself as part of wondering why I am doing this. Even after I tell him it's because he is manipulative, emotionally abusive, self-centered, controlling... I'm still the one who is wrong, as always. I'm apparently the only one who thinks these things about him (any examples I give to the contrary are immediately disregarded as usual).
But not any more. I can't begin to summarize all of the twists and turns my brain has gone through in the past 6 months, but the end result is this...
Tomorrow I am going to stop by the lawyer's office to pay the retainer and tell him to go ahead with the filing. Once I hear from him that it has been filed, I will immediately contact my Realtor to buy the house I saw last week.
Life is beginning again. I'm working to rebuild my self-esteem... to find myself again. I've been talking to my minister and he told me that I'm obviously on a journey, and that I should keep doing what I'm doing. For the first time in years, I'm beginning to see a future. It's a bit scary because the future is so... big. It is open in all sorts of directions, and I don't know which ways it may go. But it's so much better than seeing no hope and no future. Things are getting better.
The idea of having to live with him, with no kids as buffers is terrifying. Knowing that this "dream house" would stress our finances to the point that we'd be either trapped together or financially ruined apart.
Dealing with his arguments that I'm doing this because friends are pressuring me... that this is totally unlike me so someone must be influencing me... that I am just depressed and should see a doctor about my depression... that I'm menopausal... that I must be having an affair... that I'm ruining all of his goals and dreams (what about the fact that I could never even HAVE goals or dreams?) Funny how he never really can look at himself as part of wondering why I am doing this. Even after I tell him it's because he is manipulative, emotionally abusive, self-centered, controlling... I'm still the one who is wrong, as always. I'm apparently the only one who thinks these things about him (any examples I give to the contrary are immediately disregarded as usual).
But not any more. I can't begin to summarize all of the twists and turns my brain has gone through in the past 6 months, but the end result is this...
Tomorrow I am going to stop by the lawyer's office to pay the retainer and tell him to go ahead with the filing. Once I hear from him that it has been filed, I will immediately contact my Realtor to buy the house I saw last week.
Life is beginning again. I'm working to rebuild my self-esteem... to find myself again. I've been talking to my minister and he told me that I'm obviously on a journey, and that I should keep doing what I'm doing. For the first time in years, I'm beginning to see a future. It's a bit scary because the future is so... big. It is open in all sorts of directions, and I don't know which ways it may go. But it's so much better than seeing no hope and no future. Things are getting better.
4 comments:
Peace my friend - you are in my prayers.
Thanks Marty. It's scary at times, but it's getting better. :)
I believe in the sanctity of marriage but I also understand verbal/emotional abuse. Good for you! No one deserves to feel like they are worthless.
Thanks Ambyland. It was a huge step for me to take, and one I still struggle with. My minister has been a huge help in letting me free myself from the guilt.
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