Church was a nightmare yesterday. My husband decided that he was going to go along to my church... perhaps because all the kids were home for spring break... perhaps because there was a potluck dinner afterward... perhaps he wanted to talk to a few people... or perhaps because he wanted that last chance to intimidate me. I'm not sure which. Regardless it felt like the latter to me, and I spent the morning in a fog of stress.
After he left the potluck and before I left, the minister stopped me to talk a little. I was a bit of an emotional mess, and we talked until he had to stop to go to a meeting. One of the things we talked about was my struggle to know how to tell my parents.
My parents live about 2 hours from me. While the boys had/have their spring breaks, I don't want to leave, so the first free weekend will be the 26th. I really hate to wait that long, particularly since the husband is constantly asking me if I told them, and has now started to tell me that he plans to go out there to talk to them himself sometime too.
I don't know what he plans to tell them, really. He claims he wants to say goodbye... that he has been in the family for 25 years... but it's more than that too. Part of it is just a threat... he told me he'll say nice things if I am good with him on the financial settlements (i.e. I give him more than his share). The other half of the implied threat was left unstated.
My problem has been that I didn't know how to tell them. Should I write a letter? Email won't work because they seldom check it. Phone calls are difficult because mom is so hard of hearing. In person can't happen for a bit yet.
My minister said I should call and talk to both of them together. He said dad can tell mom what I said if she misses something. He said I should tell them I will call back later to answer questions if they want, because they WILL have questions.
I don't know yet how much I want to tell. I know he's been badmouthing me to people... my daughter volunteered that information over the weekend. I'm trying not to do that to him. I do say a bit of the negative, because obviously people want to know WHY I would leave him after 25 years. But I also explain that I had hoped he WOULD try to work to change himself even though I didn't tell HIM that... I had to be tough and let him think that there wasn't a chance for us, because to make any true and lasting change in himself, it couldn't be for us... it had to be for himself. He had to actually SEE his own issues, which I doubted he was capable of doing. Turns out I was right, sadly. And I also mention some of my own failures and how our personalities were the worst possible combination.
But parents will want to know more.
So this morning I tried to call around 8:30, but mom was already gone to a volunteer job. So I told dad I'd call back later, and now I have to wait until noon. And I've been having the panic-ridden chest pains all morning.
So wish me luck. I need it.
After he left the potluck and before I left, the minister stopped me to talk a little. I was a bit of an emotional mess, and we talked until he had to stop to go to a meeting. One of the things we talked about was my struggle to know how to tell my parents.
My parents live about 2 hours from me. While the boys had/have their spring breaks, I don't want to leave, so the first free weekend will be the 26th. I really hate to wait that long, particularly since the husband is constantly asking me if I told them, and has now started to tell me that he plans to go out there to talk to them himself sometime too.
I don't know what he plans to tell them, really. He claims he wants to say goodbye... that he has been in the family for 25 years... but it's more than that too. Part of it is just a threat... he told me he'll say nice things if I am good with him on the financial settlements (i.e. I give him more than his share). The other half of the implied threat was left unstated.
My problem has been that I didn't know how to tell them. Should I write a letter? Email won't work because they seldom check it. Phone calls are difficult because mom is so hard of hearing. In person can't happen for a bit yet.
My minister said I should call and talk to both of them together. He said dad can tell mom what I said if she misses something. He said I should tell them I will call back later to answer questions if they want, because they WILL have questions.
I don't know yet how much I want to tell. I know he's been badmouthing me to people... my daughter volunteered that information over the weekend. I'm trying not to do that to him. I do say a bit of the negative, because obviously people want to know WHY I would leave him after 25 years. But I also explain that I had hoped he WOULD try to work to change himself even though I didn't tell HIM that... I had to be tough and let him think that there wasn't a chance for us, because to make any true and lasting change in himself, it couldn't be for us... it had to be for himself. He had to actually SEE his own issues, which I doubted he was capable of doing. Turns out I was right, sadly. And I also mention some of my own failures and how our personalities were the worst possible combination.
But parents will want to know more.
So this morning I tried to call around 8:30, but mom was already gone to a volunteer job. So I told dad I'd call back later, and now I have to wait until noon. And I've been having the panic-ridden chest pains all morning.
So wish me luck. I need it.
** update: It actually went fairly well. We talked for 2 hours. They were supportive, but very sad & disappointed... said it felt like the family was falling apart. And they were somewhat surprised too... they knew there were issues and saw some of what he was like, but had no idea just how much was going on, or for how long. They still would like to see us be able to work it out, but they realize that's extremely unlikely.
And they don't want him to come & talk to them... I don't know if they'll tell him that or not.
3 comments:
Obviously your pastor is a good and wise man. Telling your parents now is very important so that you will be able to move forward. I believe that they will be more understanding and supportive than you expect.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Your blogger friend,
Marty
You will never lose the understanding and affection of your parents. They want only the best for you and have grown accustomed to expect you to find that for yourself.
The issue now is to maintain your understanding of yourself, to stick to your morals and your truths.
There are times when silence is so golden that people will respect you for keeping it - even in adversity.
And this comment is not aimed at your writing here. We want to know everything. After all, we need to know what to wish and pray for.
Hugs.
Thanks Marty. I know they are still hoping we can fix things and work it out... but why, I don't know, since he's NOT popular with them, I've discovered. He stresses my mom out too!
G.M., I think that now may be part of when some silence is golden. With him badmouthing me, I am trying not to retaliate. I hope I can be somewhat successful, and that people will appreciate how I am behaving more than how he is.
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