The Blues

It's that time of year again, and it's been a tough one this time. I've been pretty down the past week or two.

Birthdays always suck for me, because what I really want is for someone important to me to make a big deal of it. And I know that the only person who is important to me who thinks birthdays ARE a big deal is my daughter. And I love her to pieces for that.

But it still never quite made up for the fact that the other people who were important to me just blew it off. My friends don't remember what day my birthday falls on, and have to ask me every year which day it is.

I used to compare my birthdays to my friends' or relatives' birthdays... My 40th (where I stayed home and grilled steaks for my kids and mother-in-law, while my husband worked late, and got a casual mention from him that I'd get my present when some coworker made it back from Africa) didn't seem to match up to my cousin's 40th. Her husband planned a surprise party for her, inviting friends and relatives. He arranged for her friends to take her shopping for the day and told her to buy a video camera. (She thought that was her gift, but it was only so he would have a way to video the birthday party). I drove nearly 4 hours to spend the day with her, and I still sort of tear up when I think about the effort he put into arranging all of that. Their marriage isn't perfect, but at least he tries.

This year, I will most likely be totally alone on my birthday. The boys are back at school. I don't have any friends that I feel comfortable asking to go out with me. I don't really have many friends around here anyway. But most of them are married, and I don't want to hang out with a couple... and the one or two that are single I feel uncomfortable asking (maybe I'm just afraid of rejection). My ex has my daughter this week. I thought about asking him for that evening with her, but it somehow seems important to spend it with myself and face my issues.

It makes me want to cry... but I still think it's important.

So I am going to go out with myself Saturday night. I'm going to take myself out to my favorite restaurant, and have one or two of my favorite drinks there. I might take myself to a movie. But most importantly, I am not going to make it a pity party. I won't tell anyone that it's my birthday... it looks too pathetic. I am not going to stay home and feel sorry for myself and hope one of my 'online friends' takes pity on me and hangs out with me.

I knew I'd have some lonely times when I chose this path for my life. But I had many lonely times before too. So if I'm going to be lonely anyway, why not be alone?

But please... don't comment with "happy birthday" and don't worry about me because of this post. This post isn't a beg for birthday greetings, and I knew for a long time this was going to be one of my most difficult birthdays ever. I'm not looking for a happy one... I'm just looking to get past it.

And with that said... if you want to worry about something, ten years ago this month my sister found a lump in her breast that turned out to be cancerous. She made it through, and I look up to her immensely for how she handled it. That could be the reason I'm more stressed about this than normal, but I just found a small lump that I don't remember feeling before. I have so many random cysts that it's hard to keep track of them all, so normally I don't worry, but this one is really bothering me. I know the cysts change cyclically, so I have to wait a bit to see if this remains before contacting the doctor about it.

And in the meantime, it's really hard to not worry while facing it alone.