It starts out innocently, normally even... slowly pulling its way up the track, a few squeals and squeaks sneaking out from between the wheels. As the seconds pass, it builds up a bit more speed, working its way diligently up the slope until it just crests the first hill.
And then it plummets down, so steeply the track disappears. With no view of what comes next, I sit blindly, waiting to just accept whatever plunges or twists it throws at me next.
Just when I think I can't take any more, it slows, but with barely a reprieve in which to catch my breath, it continues on. It climbs, higher and higher. The strain on the car seems almost more than it will be able to take. The forces pulling it up are struggling against the forces of gravity, threatening to pull the car, and me, back downward. They push against me, a weight on my chest, each breath I take more of a strain than the last.
And then, miraculously it manages to crest the top again, and immediately plummets full-speed toward the earth, careening wildly forward, totally out of control. I hold on, willing myself to make it through this next moment... day... week. It will slow down again after this, I tell myself.
And sure enough, it does. But the slowness isn't a reprieve. Instead of a nice, long flat point to recoup myself, I am once again caught in the struggle, trying to reach the top of the next hill. I will the car to keep going forward... to be strong enough to get to the top again... only to see the patterns once again repeating.
The ride doesn't end. It just keeps going. Day after day. Week after week. There is no end in sight to the roller coaster ride.
The car has no brakes. There is no emergency button to push. I realize that I can't even feel if I have my safety belt buckled.
I lean frantically toward the edge of my car, calling for someone to help slow it down.... for someone to turn the ride off.. but no one answers. No one can hear me above the squeaking wheels and the grinding gears of the ride that never ends.
6 comments:
Man, I hate it when I have to ride a roller coaster alone - it's so much scarier that way.
If we ride together, throw our hands up and scream will it make it better?
I guess it beats the carousel, just going round and around...?
You have to get off the ride, dear. Find a way to center yourself. I like TaiChi - but others like things like Yoga or other meditative exercises. I know it seems silly - but trust me - these things work. Go to the doctor - and find a way to center yourself. And know that you are not alone. And others care about what happens to you... Hang tough... Take control. You can do this.
It's a very apt analogy-the roller coaster, Im just sorry your ride more fear and panic than thrill. I think your decision to seek help is a good one. Daisybug's idea sounds like a good one as well, to develope tools to deal with the panic and the sadness.
If you ever need a barf bag, just let me know.
We be toys... Actually I always sort of liked the carousel... and I don't think I've EVER thrown my arms up in a coaster. Not gonna happen! LOL
Daisy... I do yoga twice a week. But lately I'm too stressed to relax during class! LOL Just SO much going on right now. *sigh* But it'll pass and I WILL regain control...
Chanda, I always hated roller coasters, so they ALWAYS cause panic. I'm more of a 'quiet canoe trip down a gentle, scenic river' sort. I long for the return my quiet, gentle, and scenic times.
Somehow you managed to write exactly what I feel most days of my life.
((hugs))
Hey Lara,
Sorry I've been a stranger for a long time. I was wildly busy until the start of this month and am just catching up.
Will school starting give you any break in your schedule? Or make it worse? Ours just started their first full days today.
I hope you feel better soon. For me, some simple physical things work. Sex, exercise, and sunshine. I don't think I've ever tried all 3 at once, but any 2 are definitely a bonus.
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