3 am

Yesterday I signed the petition for dissolution. It will be filed sometime this week. And while I truly believe this is a positive step for me, I spent the day stressing. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was on the verge of tears most of the day. I was needy and tired and had a massive headache.

And then I went home and had to do the FAFSA filing for my oldest son. And that was just one too many stresses, so I had a nice glass of vodka with cranberry-pomegranate juice & a splash of lime. Or two. Maybe three. (Glasses, not splashes).

I was very happy. And the FAFSA became much more tolerable. Even though it is just done in estimated format, at least it's done.

And when I was finished, I celebrated by browsing Facebook, and found a high school friend online. She's coming to visit this weekend, so we chatted to make the plans... and kept on chatting. For hours. Until 3 am or so, to be somewhat precise.

We found out all sorts of things we have in common, and debunked numerous misconceptions about each other. And today I'm tired, but I feel really good. I don't really feel all that tired.

It's amazing what a supportive friend does for that pain in the chest.

I suck

I have had all of these great ideas for posts, floating through my head lately.

Dreams wrote themselves into complete blog posts in my mind as I woke up. Witty, funny, catchy posts. You know, the kind of stuff that I don't really write lately.

That's how we know they were dreams.

But I do have an idea or two. Posts that need to be written. Words that want to claw their way out of me, but I keep pushing them back down because I don't have time to deal with them right now.

And this weekend? It's when all the shit hits the fan... when all of the busy-ness comes to a head, and the pressure that I'm under causes it to spew out all over everywhere.

Ok, after I wrote that, I realized just how disgusting it sounded. And since I'm so awesome I'm just gonna leave it anyway.

If nothing else, it gives you something to "ewwwwwww" over until my next post. Which will be soon. I promise.

And just so you know, I really am ok... just extremely busy. But I'm handling it very well. While I'm stressed, unlike a month ago, I'm not stressed out. And that is a GOOD place to be.

Life is a roller coaster

Life is like a roller coaster (a cliche statement that seems too true lately). The only problem is that my roller coaster seems to be straight out of a Stephen King horror story. And I've never been an amusement park sort of person.

It starts out innocently, normally even... slowly pulling its way up the track, a few squeals and squeaks sneaking out from between the wheels. As the seconds pass, it builds up a bit more speed, working its way diligently up the slope until it just crests the first hill.

And then it plummets down, so steeply the track disappears. With no view of what comes next, I sit blindly, waiting to just accept whatever plunges or twists it throws at me next.

Just when I think I can't take any more, it slows, but with barely a reprieve in which to catch my breath, it continues on. It climbs, higher and higher. The strain on the car seems almost more than it will be able to take. The forces pulling it up are struggling against the forces of gravity, threatening to pull the car, and me, back downward. They push against me, a weight on my chest, each breath I take more of a strain than the last.

And then, miraculously it manages to crest the top again, and immediately plummets full-speed toward the earth, careening wildly forward, totally out of control. I hold on, willing myself to make it through this next moment... day... week. It will slow down again after this, I tell myself.

And sure enough, it does. But the slowness isn't a reprieve. Instead of a nice, long flat point to recoup myself, I am once again caught in the struggle, trying to reach the top of the next hill. I will the car to keep going forward... to be strong enough to get to the top again... only to see the patterns once again repeating.

The ride doesn't end. It just keeps going. Day after day. Week after week. There is no end in sight to the roller coaster ride.

The car has no brakes. There is no emergency button to push. I realize that I can't even feel if I have my safety belt buckled.

I lean frantically toward the edge of my car, calling for someone to help slow it down.... for someone to turn the ride off.. but no one answers. No one can hear me above the squeaking wheels and the grinding gears of the ride that never ends.