The beginning of the end

It was early when the phone rang... ok not that early, but early in my world... probably around 7 am. It caught me semi-asleep, lying across the middle seats of my minivan, wrapped in a blanket as protection from both the early morning chill in the air, and the bumps and ridges of the bucket seats. No, I don't normally sleep in my van... I was waiting for my daughter to return from her cross country practice, which had gotten me out of bed at an hour that doesn't even exist in my world.

I answered the phone blindly, because my far-sighted eyes can't read the screen, and I was too out of it to search for my glasses on the van floor.

I almost didn't recognize the voice, but I should have. It was a voice that used to be more familiar to me than my own parents' voices, and one that I never expected to hear again. A voice that for a long time... years actually... was the crutch that got me through my days. Until suddenly it wasn't, when his tower of lies collapsed on him.

And then its absence was a constant reminder of what was gone. It became constant self-lashing for the stupidity that led me to trust someone who was so clearly not worthy of that trust. It caused me to doubt every relationship and my own judgement. Where I always knew I was a good judge of character, suddenly I had learned the opposite. Days of self-recriminations led into months of it. Depression. Desperately missing someone who so clearly didn't deserve a thought, but managed to show up in almost every one.

A few friends stood by me, listening to me lash at myself and him. Providing shoulders. Urging me to trust myself... to trust my ability to read people.

An ability that I deeply questioned until I finally admitted the truth to myself: I had believed what I wanted to believe rather than what I saw. The signs were all there... I had seen them, but I chose not to look because I didn't like what I saw. I didn't want it to be true.

So now, the voice was back. Now, 16 months after the collapse, I was once again hearing the voice that used to be my lifeline. A voice I had worked so hard to eradicate from my mind.

Ten months post-tower-of-lies-collapse, I emailed him a letter of closure and forgiveness. After all, forgiveness is really about healing yourself, gaining closure on the hurts of the past, and allowing yourself to move on.

But even though I had said my good-byes, I had never really tested them until I heard his voice again. That voice, saying that he missed me and thought about me every day... acknowledging that he had not treated me right... apologizing. Saying all the right things.

And you know what? It was ok. Because my neediness is gone. I can hear him and hear that old friend who I used to enjoy talking to, without feeling like the little needy girl who couldn't take care of herself, and without falling into his trap again. I don't trust him, but we also are not in any sort of relationship that requires trust. And we won't be.... I don't need him.

When his tower of lies collapsed, I thought it was the beginning of the end. I guess, in reality, it was just the beginning of a new beginning.

It's good to have friends

Just before my vacation, my daughter's friend's mother contacted me. D is a casual friend of mine, brought together about 4-5 years ago when our daughters became friends at school. She asked me if I could hem some uniform pants for her this month, and maybe sew on some patches of some sort. I told her to catch me as soon as I got back, and over last weekend we arranged for her to come over tonight.

Her first husband died of cancer, not too long after their divorce. She remarried soon after we met, and her now-husband is a casual friend of my ex, an older brother of a friend/classmate. So as with most of 'our' friends, I have been unsure whether I would still be supported since the split.

It's always tough to know who gets to keep the friends. The divorce papers usually don't specify that.

But after I posted about my leaking roof on Facebook, she told me her husband volunteered to take a look at it. He works in construction and had helped us replace a window or two last summer, to get us going on that process. And once he saw the picture of the ceiling damage, he wanted to stop by as soon as possible. The gusting-up-to-80-mph winds blowing the heavy rains were the culprit, but I think he was worried that delays may result in even more issues.

So he came along to pick up their daughter on Tuesday. And he brought his ladder and climbed up on my roof to identify the problem. He commented that he'd need to find some matching shingles, which I just happened to have in my garage, left by the previous owners. That comment told me that he wasn't just checking it out for me... he was actually planning to fix it. And then he volunteered to do the work in exchange for my sewing work for his wife. I think he intends to start tonight when she brings over the sewing.

Really? I can sew stuff in exchange for a roofing repair? How is this ANY sort of fair on his side? I obviously got the friend discount.

Sign me relieved. :)

It's that time again...

Yep. Chicago, here I come. If you can't tell, I'm just a little excited about my vacation.

It begins tomorrow, with our biennial (every other year) family reunion. My mom's remaining brothers and sisters, along with all of the cousins who can make it, converge in some predetermined location and get reacquainted. It's always a fun time, and this year it is even more convenient because it's located at my brother's farm, about a half hour's drive away from my home.

The kids and I will be squeezed together into one tent because I am too lazy to set up more than one. There will be popcorn over the campfire, a zipline over the pond (where you can also fish or swim), and random other farm-like activities. My brother has a miniature horse, along with numerous full-sized horses. There's a "rock" climbing wall in his barn loft. Chickens prolifically produce eggs, which will feed us all both Saturday and Sunday mornings. He's having a hog roast Saturday evening. You name it, he's probably got at least one.

And then on Sunday afternoon, once I pack up all the dirt and mess from camping, I drop off the kids at the ex's house, and rush home to clean up and head for Chicago. There I will meet numerous U2 fanatics (some friends, some I've never met) who are converging on the Windy City for the long awaited return of the band. We'll be spending untold hours in the GA line on Tuesday (probably even beginning sometime Monday), hoping for one of the coveted spots on the rail. (Wish me luck!)

Tuesday morning my daughter will be joining me, and will get to attend her first "real" concert (i.e. not some old-timer band at the annual county fair). I'll get her headed back home on Wednesday afternoon, before finishing my vacation alone with my friends.

She's pretty excited about it too. And especially I think it rocks that my 15 year old daughter is so psyched to hang out with her mom at a concert. :)

See you when I get back.

Once again

I pissed off a friend last night.

I still think he overreacted and didn't really look at my side of things.  He still thinks he's totally right.

I am not yet able to deal with people who insist they are totally right.  I've been the wrong one for too many years... I'm not able to accept that role.  No one is ever totally right.

So while he talked, I shook.  Violently.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I wrapped up in a blanket, hugged myself, and shivered.

I'm not sure whether I was headed toward a panic attack or an emotional shutdown... I just knew I couldn't listen to him tell me about how and why I was wrong.

So I closed our chat and decided to hibernate.

When I can't deal with other people, I think it's best to just focus on myself.  At least then, regardless of which side I take, I can still be right... even when I'm wrong.

One step forward... two steps back.

A note to a friend

Today I'm thinking about a special friend who's feeling overwhelmed with a lot of shit.  I'm sure today's especially stressful for her.

If you're reading this... you know who you are.  And I'm praying for you.

Love you.  Let me know how things go.

3 am

Yesterday I signed the petition for dissolution. It will be filed sometime this week. And while I truly believe this is a positive step for me, I spent the day stressing. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I was on the verge of tears most of the day. I was needy and tired and had a massive headache.

And then I went home and had to do the FAFSA filing for my oldest son. And that was just one too many stresses, so I had a nice glass of vodka with cranberry-pomegranate juice & a splash of lime. Or two. Maybe three. (Glasses, not splashes).

I was very happy. And the FAFSA became much more tolerable. Even though it is just done in estimated format, at least it's done.

And when I was finished, I celebrated by browsing Facebook, and found a high school friend online. She's coming to visit this weekend, so we chatted to make the plans... and kept on chatting. For hours. Until 3 am or so, to be somewhat precise.

We found out all sorts of things we have in common, and debunked numerous misconceptions about each other. And today I'm tired, but I feel really good. I don't really feel all that tired.

It's amazing what a supportive friend does for that pain in the chest.

Just passing time

It's hard to know where to begin. I have to be tactful... subtle... to respect everyone's right to privacy. But I want to get this out. I need to vent a little.

Is there a 12-step program to help you cope with ending a friendship?

I have had a friend for many years. At least I saw him as a friend. At this point, I'm really not sure how he saw me. And words and actions don't always match up. But we clicked... extremely well. So in spite of some drawbacks, the friendship continued.

Lately the drawbacks have been more than I can handle. Contact is minimal and superficial. And then my phone rings with a blocked number occasionally at odd times, telling me it's probably his girlfriend calling to confirm that he has been in contact with me again (because he forgot to clear my number from his phone). So they can fight about it.

It's tough to handle losing my friend to this girlfriend. We were friends long before she was in the picture, and it hurts like hell that he won't stand up to her and tell her that. I want him to tell her that nothing is going on between us, but that good friends don't come along every day, and when one does, it's worth fighting for.

But I can't make him see it this way - that would have had to be his choice. I'm tired of a one-sided fight.

And I'm really tired of being brought into THEIR fights too. It isn't my job to provide a cover story for him if he gets caught having called me. I wasn't asking to have an affair with him... I just wanted to be able to keep my friend. And I wanted to be able to call him when I had a really good day, or a really bad one. But I guess that was too much to ask.

Sometimes you need to decide that it's time to cut your losses and move on. But in spite of everything, your mind still wants your fingers to dial that familiar phone number when there's something to share.

Even finding a new friend couldn't fill the gaps left by the old one. It takes time for erosion to fill those gaps back in again.

Lots and lots of time.

It's a tough world out there

Last Thursday after school, my daughter noticed this. She was pretty upset and called me over, before I even made it into the garage.


There is a robin's nest in our burning bush next to the garage. Whenever we go outside, we see a large robin fly out of the bush, so one day while weeding that area, I searched around and found the nest. The last time I was out there, I found 2 eggs in the nest.

At first I thought that perhaps it had hatched, but I didn't hear any noises. So I checked the nest... and found this.


Apparently a brown-headed cowbird has invaded our robin's space. They push out an egg and replace it with one of their own. I've heard of this, but have never had a nest that was in a place where I could actually see it. It will be interesting to watch what happens.

And a little sad too... that broken eggshell on the stones below the nest lies there as a reminder of the one that was replaced. It's sad to think that something can be that easily replaced. That the robin will just continue to monitor its nest, not realizing that its baby is smashed on the rocks below.

Lately I feel like that broken egg. Replaced... far too easily... my feelings smashed without regard.

My best friend for a number of years has been a single male. About a year ago he began dating someone. I hoped that when this time came, he'd still find a way for me to be a part of his life. That whoever else became part of his life would become a part of mine too. But because she couldn't handle him having contact with me, he let her believe that we don't have contact any more. He had to sneak any phone calls or text messages that he made to me. Which obviously weren't very frequent or in-depth, because he just doesn't have the time away from her to be able to share anything of importance with me.

What's left now feels mostly superficial. Just a broken eggshell and some splatted goo that the ants are crawling over.

And I just wanna smack that cowbird egg into oblivion.

A friend is a friend

I have a close friend who is having surgery today.

About 1 1/2 or 2 years ago, he had cancer. He had surgery to remove it, and did ok, but never quite felt right. Back in February, they found another tumor, this time abdominal, and he's been working his way through doctor appointments, tests, and waiting ever since. He called and left a phone message yesterday, so I would know about today's surgery.

Another close friend had surgery about a week ago. I got a phone call from a mutual friend to let me know she was in the hospital, and then a text message from her during the night letting me know that she was going to have surgery and that I should call the mutual friend for details.

The unique thing about all of this? I have never met any of these people.

I find it amazing how the internet has merged itself into our lives so seamlessly that our friendships with people we have never met are as real... often more real... than friendships with people we've hung around with for years.

All of my best friends grew on the internet, even "GuyNxtDoor", who is my actual neighbor and lives just around the corner from me. I met him when I took a plate of cookies over after he moved into the neighborhood. I introduced myself, we chatted a while and discovered we both enjoyed playing euchre online. So we exchanged screen names, and the rest is history.

Perhaps it's easier to reveal things about yourself when it's not face-to-face - things you may not normally reveal at all. But I know I'm not alone in this. I've recently read post on several other blogs, talking about the friends they've made blogging and how much more supportive they were of recent issues than the real-life friends.

I've heard people call these internet friends "internets" for short. But I don't like to qualify them. I don't care if I've never met them. They are real friends, and when I talk about them with my kids or husband or other friends, I don't qualify their names. I don't talk about "my internet friend Amy" or "my internet friend Paul". They are just friends that I talk about.

Friends that I'm far closer to than any of my real-life acquaintances.

My biggest gripe is when some of these friends DON'T treat our friendship as real just because we've never met, or we live too far apart to have a real-life, in-person relationship. When I'm used to daily phone or IM conversations with a close friend and he or she disappears for a week, I panic, just as I would any for other friend who apparently drops off of the face of the earth suddenly.

How am I to know that they developed bronchitis or heart problems or cancer or a gall bladder attack if they don't let me know?

But those that DO let me know? Like that friend from the first sentence? That also lets me know that the feeling is mutual. That they see our friendship in the same light that I do.

So I just want you to say a little prayer for him today if you're that type. He's got a tough week ahead of him. He's worried about what they will find. He's not feeling much support from his family. He's facing a week in the hospital, and then coming home to deal with this on his own again.

I tried to call him back after work when I got his message, but he didn't answer the phone. I left a voice mail message but I can't be sure that he got it in time. I hope he did. I wanted to let him know how much he means to me before he goes into surgery today.

But I know that really, he knows. And feels the same way. Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to call.

What are friends for?

Friends help in so many ways... like... understanding the intricacies of life for example. Or blog content.

Lara: rofl you gotta read this blog entry...
Lara: http://blog.perilsin3d.com/archives/000749.php
BG: OH MY GOD
BG: i know.
Lara: it's like... we all think these things, but who thinks of writing them down? rofl
BG: i mean...the one time i even tried to use one of those paper thingies..it halfway fell INTO THE TOILET...and i didn't want to touch it to get it ALL the way in there
BG: SO...I waved my hands really fast...
BG: created some breeze
Lara: rofl
BG: and then flushed
BG: never again
BG: i loathe public toilets. they're the spawn of the devil LMAO
Lara: lol well...
Lara: the alternative is what... no bathrooms?
BG: i've learned to hold it as long as humanly possible
BG: there are a FEW bathrooms i'll use...
Lara: I refuse to hover. Simply refuse. I cannot release pee in a semi-contracted state.
BG: i've mapped them out on road trips
BG: AND
BG: have a few well-chosen places when i go shopping. otherwise, i'l hold it, thank you
BG: hovering is STUPID. i will not hover
BG: i either go or i don't.
BG: lol
Lara: well I CAN hold it quite a while. but when I can't... I sit. I will take a big wad of paper & wipe the seat off if it's questionable... even have taken in a damp paper towel a few times
Lara: but no hovering.
Lara: unless there are those old-people bars
Lara: then I can hang-hover
Lara: lol
BG: rofl @ hang-hover
BG: classic
BG: i do the whole 'HUGE wad of toilet paper' thing as well
BG: i will NOT go into one that has piss on the floor though. it freaks me out.
Lara: then you gotta do a half-way flush for fear of it not flushing when you finish.
Lara: ewww yeah wet floors are nasty things
Lara: those shoes go into your HOME... yanno?
BG: INDEED
BG: you would have been proud of me today
Lara: well they don't go into mine of course... shoes come off at the door of our house. lol
Lara: we are shoe nazis
BG: i drove 5 1/2 hours...back from the beach...with robert...WITHOUT richie. (he had to work)
BG: i stopped...because i had to pee. HAD TO. knew i was going to die. would have exploded.
BG: i brought robert, my keys, cell, and diaper bag into a stall.
BG: handicapped with a babychanger thing
BG: i did NOT touch the floor with anything. i'm a freak about that.
BG: and was able to pee with my hand on top of HIM while he was prone on the changer.
BG: i'm GREAT. rofl
BG: shit. the things i'm proud of these days
Lara: rofl
Lara: see?
Lara: kids DO change you
Lara: i'm thinking i should do a "100 things about me" kind of blog entry on literally speaking
BG: i think you SHOULD. some people frown on the meme things. i think they're good every now and then
BG: they present such interesting info on people...in a succinct way. ya know?
BG: do it!
Lara: yeah they do...
Lara: but the problem is to find 100 things about me without giving my name, address, & SSN
BG: #87 I will always choose to use copies of my IM conversations with BG if I feel the chat presents a great blog topic.
BG: *snicker*
Lara: lmfao
BG: Nah..you have TONS of stuff to share! do it!
Lara: might have to use the pee one.
BG: ha! use the pee thing on your 100 things. leave my pee out of it
BG: ha!
Lara: haha I could call you "anonymous female blogger"
Lara: would you feel better then?
BG: nahhhhhhhh if you're gonna do it, just out me, baby. g'head. consider me fodder for your bloggy *snort*

Ok. Done. ;) Love ya, BG. Mean it.