Metamorphosis

I love this post.

He didn't beat me... physically. But he sure did emotionally. He used my insecurities to manipulate me to behave as he wanted, so he could get what he wanted. He phrased putdowns as compliments, leading me to a feeling that it was just me and him against the rest of the world.

The more worn down you are, the harder it becomes to believe in yourself... to trust that you have the strength to make a go of it on your own. Somehow I found that strength that I didn't know I had. My inner voice had learned so well that its role was to kick me when I was down. But I started to argue with it. I learned to shrug off those words. I learned to tell myself the truth... and to not listen to his manipulations. I am a survivor.

But that doesn't mean I'm where I need to be yet. When you take the first step of a journey, you have become a traveler. But progress ceases when you stop moving. I have to keep moving. I have to keep evolving. I can't wait to watch the metamorphosis continue.

Me time

I think that each of us has one need that is our deepest, and often most secret, need. We may not even consciously realize it. But even without that realization, we can go through life looking for people who fill it. We reach out to people, hoping they can meet that need, and we may even try to mold them into someone who can. But far too often they can't. Or won't.

Other times we seem to be fighting ourselves. We are our own worst enemies toward finding our happiness, by making sure we won't succeed.

I think I just realized what my need is. I need to be heard... to be really understood. To be accepted in spite of my flaws.

Through my life, I have allowed very few people inside. And that is quite counterproductive if I really want to be heard and understood. I have formed friendships with people who are totally unlike me. Again... not likely that they will understand me so not a very good fit for my need. I've found selfish friends who don't want to take the time to understand me. Friends who make jokes of long emails I send, trying to explain my feelings or behaviors. Friends who read them but just delete them without ever responding to any of the point... without making any attempt to show understanding and acceptance.

I don't need total agreement. I am quite willing to compromise on actions. But I can't compromise on being heard... on being understood.

I have started standing up for myself... doing what is important to me... finding my own interests instead of allowing others to dictate what I do. But I still haven't stopped trying to fit square friends into a round hole. I haven't stopped sending long emails to friends to explain how I feel because I know they wouldn't listen if I tried to say it out loud.

Really, how logical is that? If someone is too impatient to listen to spoken words, how will written words make any difference?

It's time to let go of dreams of past friendships becoming what I need them to be. It's time to look at reality. It's time to NOT compromise.

Mirror image. Or not.

Over the weekend, I replied to two "personal ads" that I found on my local Craigslist.

No, I'm not trying to date. These were posts by recently-divorced females who felt their ex husbands had gotten to keep the friends in the divorce, so they are looking for new friends. I can totally relate, though I'm not upset at him keeping our friends. I didn't really care much for most of them. They were always his friends anyway... I never had my own friends around here.

But it's time to find some, and I think Craigslist might be a better way than, say, barhopping.

One of these girls seems a lot like me... I think we'll get along well, and I'm looking forward to finding out. The other one? Well, she seems a lot like I used to be. Namely, excessively needy and co-dependent, with very poor self-esteem, and unwilling or unable to move out of the past. Reading her words was a bit like looking a time-travel mirror.

But I found it fascinating that I could see that in her immediately. I found myself wanting to show her the path that I've been on because I remember how awful the feelings were when I was where she is now. I remember those horrible messages my inner voice was always giving myself. And as I drove to work today, I realized that those messages are almost entirely foreign to me now. I've found a new inner voice... a positive yet realistic one. I would love for her to find that peace inside herself too. I don't know if she's ready to face the difficult changes she'll have to make in herself to get there, but I hope so.

A good friend (you know who you are) told me that it's ok for life to be easy. He was right. And I hope that maybe I can pass that message along to her too. The inner peace is worth every difficult step.

Just turn off the thinking cap

I hate labels that define a person. Like "codependent". I especially hate that one, because what you think it should mean by the term doesn't really give the full impression of the meaning.

But I am finally realizing that it defines me. And I hate that even more. It was so much easier to look at my ex's issues as his issues. I hate that they became my issues.

Or maybe I had issues all along, but we just exacerbated (I love that word even if I can't spell it or pronounce it) each others' issues. It was easy for me to see his issues, but not so easy for me to recognize that my issues allowed his.

But you can't make progress on a problem if you don't realize it exists, right?

Over the years, I have repeatedly heard people tell me, "You think too much." And I always disagreed, because I LIKE my introspective nature.

But you know what? I do think too much. I worry. I second-guess. I analyze everything into the ground. I obsess.

I make myself insecure and paranoid, when what I really need is to just remind myself of one truth: You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.

The beginning of the end

It was early when the phone rang... ok not that early, but early in my world... probably around 7 am. It caught me semi-asleep, lying across the middle seats of my minivan, wrapped in a blanket as protection from both the early morning chill in the air, and the bumps and ridges of the bucket seats. No, I don't normally sleep in my van... I was waiting for my daughter to return from her cross country practice, which had gotten me out of bed at an hour that doesn't even exist in my world.

I answered the phone blindly, because my far-sighted eyes can't read the screen, and I was too out of it to search for my glasses on the van floor.

I almost didn't recognize the voice, but I should have. It was a voice that used to be more familiar to me than my own parents' voices, and one that I never expected to hear again. A voice that for a long time... years actually... was the crutch that got me through my days. Until suddenly it wasn't, when his tower of lies collapsed on him.

And then its absence was a constant reminder of what was gone. It became constant self-lashing for the stupidity that led me to trust someone who was so clearly not worthy of that trust. It caused me to doubt every relationship and my own judgement. Where I always knew I was a good judge of character, suddenly I had learned the opposite. Days of self-recriminations led into months of it. Depression. Desperately missing someone who so clearly didn't deserve a thought, but managed to show up in almost every one.

A few friends stood by me, listening to me lash at myself and him. Providing shoulders. Urging me to trust myself... to trust my ability to read people.

An ability that I deeply questioned until I finally admitted the truth to myself: I had believed what I wanted to believe rather than what I saw. The signs were all there... I had seen them, but I chose not to look because I didn't like what I saw. I didn't want it to be true.

So now, the voice was back. Now, 16 months after the collapse, I was once again hearing the voice that used to be my lifeline. A voice I had worked so hard to eradicate from my mind.

Ten months post-tower-of-lies-collapse, I emailed him a letter of closure and forgiveness. After all, forgiveness is really about healing yourself, gaining closure on the hurts of the past, and allowing yourself to move on.

But even though I had said my good-byes, I had never really tested them until I heard his voice again. That voice, saying that he missed me and thought about me every day... acknowledging that he had not treated me right... apologizing. Saying all the right things.

And you know what? It was ok. Because my neediness is gone. I can hear him and hear that old friend who I used to enjoy talking to, without feeling like the little needy girl who couldn't take care of herself, and without falling into his trap again. I don't trust him, but we also are not in any sort of relationship that requires trust. And we won't be.... I don't need him.

When his tower of lies collapsed, I thought it was the beginning of the end. I guess, in reality, it was just the beginning of a new beginning.

A learning curve

Over the past few years, I have been very unhappy.

It's not hard to be depressed when your life is miserable and you see no possibility of it becoming any different. But I've finally learned that there are always possibilities of life becoming different. It won't necessarily happen overnight. All of the negatives won't necessarily disappear magically because you want them to. But they certainly won't disappear when you mope around without taking the responsibility to make them better.

My ex-husband did a good job of making my life miserable. And obviously his behavior is his fault. But the fact that it made me miserable? That's mine. Ann Landers used to have a saying, “ No one can take advantage of you without your permission.” By letting him manipulate and control me, I gave him permission to take advantage of me. Somehow I guess I never realized that I was allowed to stand up for myself. But once I started refusing to accept his criticisms as valid, they lost power over me. As long as I allowed him to make me feel weak, helpless, or insecure, I behaved as if I were.

And now? I'm awesome. I look in the mirror and see those 5-10 lbs I would like to lose but really? Do 5-10 lbs make me a better or worse person? I see that my stomach isn't flat, but after seeing some of the bodies in bikinis at the water park on Sunday, I won't let that stop me from wearing one in the future if I choose to. It's my choice, not his, whether or not I show my stomach.

I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm capable. I'm caring and generous. And while I may not always be outgoing, I am definitely friendly. My neighbors go out of their way to stop over and chat when I'm outside. I think they like me. But more importantly... I like me. When I hear that voice of insecurity inside, I stop it. When I hear those messages my ex used to give me, still echoing faintly through my mind, I look at them and declare them invalid:

1. "You don't take criticism well." No... I don't take your criticism well. And I don't think I should have to. I want a spouse who is supportive, not one who constantly criticizes me. Of all the people in my life, I should be able to count on my own spouse to support me rather than criticize.
2. "You are too sensitive." Yes, I am sensitive. It's how I am. My feelings get hurt easily, but it also means that I go out of my way to not hurt other people's feelings because I know how it feels. I think that means it's an ok way to be. Rather that declare it to be a weakness, I prefer to view it as a strength. Besides... refer back to point 1.
3. "You don't read people well." No... you don't read people well. And because my interpretation is different than yours, you assume I am wrong. I'm not - you are.
4. "You can't make decisions." I admit, it is tough to make decisions when you know that you will be blamed if anything goes wrong. When you never hear the end of any supposed indiscretion, it's easier to let someone else make the decisions.
5. "My friends wives are intimidated by you, because you can do so many things." I don't show off to them... if they are intimidated by the things I do, then stop bragging. Bragging about your family's abilities doesn't make you look any better. It makes you look like someone who brags too much. It's not attractive.

Yeah, that last one... that one bothered me for a long time. That people didn't want to be around me because I was too smart or had too many talents. When our friends were his friends and their wives were intimidated by me, that meant I was isolated.

Were they really intimidated by me? Probably not. If any of his friends ever made that statement to him, I'm sure it wasn't said frequently or by many of them. Possibly the wives just found him annoying because of his bragging. But I suspect that it was simply a way that he utilized to keep me isolated... just another control tactic.

For a long time I've known logically that the messages weren't true. But now? I am learning emotionally that they aren't.

And just like taking the responsibility for which messages I internalize, I also am trying to take the responsibility for doing what I want to do. In the past, if I wanted to do something, I would ask for permission. If I wasn't given permission, I wouldn't do it. And I'd be angry and relatively passive-aggressive about not being allowed to do it.

I always envied people who would just go do what they wanted, regardless of what someone else thought they should do. I could never do that. It wasn't so much that I was afraid to make the decisions for myself; it was more that it felt disrespectful to not take into account my ex's opinions. But now I've decided that it was disrespectful of him to never take my opinions & desires into account. And even more... it was disrespectful of me to not take mine into account. (Refer back to that Ann Landers quote if you've forgotten it.)

I know that I will have trust issues for a long time. I see ulterior motives in most everyone. But really, I am responsible for my own actions. I always have been, but I just didn't' realize it. And now I don't have to report to my ex, my friends, or anyone else. I report to me. If I make mistakes, it's my job to fix them, and I'm quite capable of doing so.

And someday? I hope that I can trust enough to not have to struggle to hold my own. I hope that I find people in my life who truly care what I want and need, and who will go out of their way to make it happen. As opposed to people who just decide that they know what is best for me, or even worse, who try to manipulate me to supporting what they want.

I'm still not able to trust anyone that much, and I may not be for quite some time. But that's ok, because it's about time I learn to make my own decisions. I don't know how long the learning curve is, but in the meantime, I get to hang out and enjoy me. And most of the time, I'm fairly decent company.

A letter to myself

Dear Sage,

Just because someone says something is your fault doesn't mean it actually is your fault. It could be, of course. But it may be their fault and they are in denial. Or it may be a little bit the fault of each of you.

Look at each situation and trust your judgement.

Never accept less from a relationship than what you give. And it is ok to admit that a relationship does not meet your needs. It is not ok to always take whatever someone else is willing to offer, and try to make it be enough. That isn't fair to anyone.

You deserve equal rights in a relationship.

If someone gives the silent treatment and shuts you out after a disagreement, they are being petty and immature. If the relationship matters to them, they will be as anxious to seek you out and work on reconciliation as you are. It is always ok to make the first move toward reconciliation. You need to make yourself open to them, but it isn't healthy to bend over backward to try to fix a disagreement with someone who has chosen to shut you out rather than to discuss the situation and try to find a compromise.

Relationships go two ways.

Someone may be an important friend at one point in your life, but as you grow and change, the relationship needs to as well. And if the other person can't make that adjustment, the relationship may not survive. It's sad, but it's also normal. And sometimes it is inevitable. And it's ok and probably healthier to just let it go if it comes to that point.

Sometimes you can outgrow a relationship.

And last but not least... Trust yourself. You are smart. You are caring and sensitive. You treat people fairly and have good intentions. If someone tells you otherwise, ask for their reasons for thinking that, and examine them. If they seem right, then you have another thing to work on. And if the reasons don't seem right? Or if they won't give you reasons? Then you let it go. You owe it to yourself to be able to make that discrimination. Perhaps in time you will find out you were wrong. And if you do? Add another "to do" to the list. But NEVER change yourself because of what someone else says, unless you truly believe it.

Be true to who you are.

You're not perfect, but you're awesome anyway. Let yourself believe that. Own it.

Love you,
Yourself

Everyone complains about the weather, right?

I keep asking myself why.

Why do my insecurities, like the weather this week, hover overhead, constantly threatening storms? Thick, heavy, sultry, heat-filled fears weigh me down until my pores weep, reacting to the pressure.

I try to convince myself that the weather will break soon.

Some days I feel a cool breeze lightening the load. I look up to the expansive sky and watch my hopes soar until they blend into the distant blue, like a bird that has just escaped the confinements of its cage.

I feel like that bird. I am that bird.

And then, the clouds change, sometimes gradually so that I barely notice until I hear the threatening rumble of the distant thunder, and sometimes so suddenly that I barely have time to open my umbrella. Winds gather, furiously whipping at its ribs until it flips inside out, baring its ugly interior to anyone unlucky enough to see.

I scramble for cover, blaming the wind, the clouds, the sky, the watching bystanders. I know it's not their fault, really, any of them. It's no one's fault. It just is.

But as the storm threatens, I need someone or something to blame.

And as I huddle in my little storm shelter, arms wrapped around myself, I wonder...

When will these storms finally pass? When will the sunshine feel warming rather than sweltering? When will the breezes cool rather than turn my umbrella inside out?

And when will I be able to accept the storms... to watch and revel in their glorious beauty through my skylight... rather than huddle to protect myself from their power and fury?

100 Dreams

Those of you who know me well are very aware that I am anti-list.

Part of that is because my almost-ex lived by lists, and in his mega-controlling way, would leave lists of things for the children and me to do too. (So I would passive-aggressively refuse to cross items off of his list after I did them, just to annoy him.)

So imagine my surprise when, after reading this post about lists, I actually am considering doing it?

I'm not sure why I'm having this potential change of heart, but I think it has to do with my lack of direction. I have spent too many years knowing that I couldn't have dreams. I knew that it didn't matter what I wanted, if it conflicted with the almost-ex's goals. So it was better for me to not try to have any dreams, because then I wouldn't be disappointed at not getting what I wanted.

And somewhere along the way, I almost forgot how to have hopes and dreams. After deciding that my life gave me no future, my initial thoughts about my hopes were pretty simple. But now, as I relax from the years of stress and realize it's ok to dream, the idea is becoming more appealing. I like the thought of listing all sorts of things I want to do in my life. I like the idea of focusing my dreams.

Some will be simple, of course. Maybe I'll even cross them off the list as I do them!

And some will probably be ridiculously expensive. But that's what makes them dreams right?

Triggers

Triggers are a big issue for me lately. I don't like feeling like I've been acting irrationally when I look back on my behavior. And I certainly don't like being TOLD that I'm being irrational.

Due to some high-stress levels, I've had some issues lately with things triggering random emotions and reactions. It's tough for me to sort things out when stress is messing with my thought processes. So I can sometimes get a bit too reactive.

And with this in mind, this post really spoke to me today.

So thank you, Pastor Sharon, for allowing me the freedom to shed the tears, and for letting me know that it's normal to be picking at the wounds a little as they heal.

I look forward to continuing to find myself.

And in other news... we brought the seven kitties home last night. :)

Pruned

I believe that some people come into our lives for a reason.  Whether we have met them at a good time or a bad time... or a good location or a bad location... they somehow become just exactly what we needed.  Even those friendships that began for all the wrong reasons can morph into something that we never could have imagined, and can be a catalyst for changes that could never have been anticipated. 

People leave our lives for a reason too.  And sometimes those leavings are the catalysts, far more than the comings ever were.

I don't handle the leavings well.  I hold on to people far longer than I should.  I cling.  I become needy and desperate.  I try to change myself to make things work.  And I tend to lose who I am in the process.

But if the leavings are necessary, and actually occur, they can have a huge positive effect.

One of those leavings happened over a year ago, in April 2010.  He probably should have left far earlier... or more realistically, he should have never been there in the first place.  I don't think I have ever had a much less healthy friendship with anyone.  Yet dealing with his leaving became the catalyst for all of the changes I've been making in the past year.  When I had to cope with him not being there, I realized just what a crutch he had been in my life.  He was a distraction from all that was wrong in my marriage, and without that distraction, I had to begin to face all of the issues... to deal with them for the first time, and to look at who I really was and who I wanted to be.

It has been a long journey over the last year.  I've had some friends who supported me immensely, others who have left along the way, and still others who were always there in the background but for whatever reason couldn't be my supports this time.  Perhaps I've even had some who should have left and haven't... it's hard to know that until after they are gone and you can begin to see the positives revealed through the pain and difficult times.

But I trust that time will continue to reveal the reasons for all of the comings and leavings in my life.  I've learned that those leavings that are the most difficult to endure are the same ones that can cause the most growth.  And seeing the pain and hurt in that light helps me realize that I can survive the leavings.

It's ok to just let someone go if they want, or simply need, to go.   It's ok to not cling... to not panic... to just take the comings and leavings as a necessary and even helpful part of life.

It's like pruning a tree to promote the stronger, new growth in the future.  I've been doing that a lot lately in my yard.  Things were trimmed incorrectly over the past years... the new sprouts were trimmed away to keep the bushes neat, but the old stems were left growing.  The bushes grew taller and taller, but the main stems got hollow and weak, and only the tops kept healthy-looking foliage.  And as I cut back these weak stems, remove the dead wood from throughout the plants, and shorten the tops back to where they should be, I feel sad.  I know the bushes will most likely not flower next year due to the severe pruning.  I wonder if some of them will even recover from being trimmed so much after years of abuse.

But I trust that this is necessary, even beneficial.  Those that don't recover were probably beyond saving, and those that do will come back stronger and more beautiful over the next years.

As, I believe, will I.  It's ok to be pruned.

Conundrum

co·nun·drum  /kəˈnəndrəm/  Noun
1. A confusing and difficult problem or question.

As I was digging through the piles of shit that has been dumped into my dining room and living room over the past few weeks of dividing 25 years of accumulated belongings, I came across a basket.  In it were an old pair of dirty, yellowed-but-originally-white high-heeled shoes, and a stack of greeting cards.  I grabbed the obviously worn out shoes and tossed them into the wastebasket, trying to remain nonchalant and to not remember the reason I had kept them for over 25 years.

Then I sat down and glanced at the cards.  It was a stack of anniversary cards from our early years together, mostly from him to me, but with a couple of those that I had given him thrown in.  As if it wasn't enough to find them, I began to open them... to read the really sweet messages we used to give to each other back when I still believed that I mattered more to him than his goals.  It brought back the memories of a time when he actually listened to me as we talked... a time when he could function without having to control EVERY aspect of his life, as well as anyone and everyone's lives that intersected with his... a time when we shared some of the same goals.

And the tears gathered as I considered how we came to this place that I never wanted to come to.  It's as if, as he got further along in life and achieved more of those goals, he realized that he had more to lose.  And the fear of those potential losses caused him to hold on more and more tightly, until that need for control suffocated everyone in its path.

Especially me.

I got an email yesterday morning from the counselor at my son Doober's school.  She cc'd me on the email she sent to my lawyer to fulfill my county's counseling requirement.  The judge had previously rejected our request to exempt him from the required session because he is away at school, so this should allow the final papers to be filed.

Also yesterday morning, as part of my regular blog perusing, I came across this post.  And my eyes watered a little bit, because I could so totally relate. In spite of the almost constant relief I feel at being in my own home... and  in spite of the incredible feeling of rightness at the direction I have taken.

And so I leave you today with this quote from her post:

It isn't about regret or remorse over ending what couldn't continue; it is grieving over the fact that it had to end at all; that those whimsical - perhaps naive - ideals that we started out with turned out to be impractical and unattainable for us.

The potato rule

Sometimes you can't make it on your own.  But sometimes, you need to.

I'm finding that as I progress through the divorce and reclaim who I am, other people have lots of advice to offer.  Some is very good advice.  Some would probably be awesome advice for someone, but it doesn't fit me.  And some is probably not good for anyone.

So it's my new task to sort the advice. And it's kind of like sorting potatoes.

After the potato harvest, Mom used to send my brothers and me out to sort out the tiny ones.  But which ones were tiny?  It's not like she gave us something with a little hole cut through it to indicate the size.  So my brother and I made up the potato rule... "When in doubt, throw it out."  

Though I can see a potato template now... it would have made our job so much easier...

Here's a template... if the potato fits through the hole, toss it over into that pail.  Otherwise just look for cuts & bad spots before putting them here in this crate.

Why can't life come with a series of templates?  Why do we have to figure out everything?  Imagine how helpful it would be just for dating.

If a guy tells you "xxxxx", run for the hills.  If he wears plaid pants, turn around and never look back.  Etc.

Wouldn't that sort of checklist on dating make it all so much easier?  We need one for child-rearing too. Another or moving through that transitional period from childhood to adulthood.  And that's just the start of it... we could make a whole life-book of checklists.

But now, I'm left to muddle through on my own.  To take the advice of well-meaning friends or relatives who think they know everything about my situation because they've been through something similar, and try to navigate through what would actually work for me.  Of course, some just think they know everything because they are the type to always know everything, but that's a separate issue.  But with these friends who offer advice, whether solicited or unsolicited, I know they have the best intentions.  And while I appreciate input, I prefer to view the input as suggestions, not as definitely the correct course of action.  And I find many are upset if I don't follow their advice.

For some reason, in spite of not having the best track record for decision-making, I still think I'm the best one to determine what advice will work for me and what won't.  I haven't told anyone about EVERY little thing that has gone on in my life.  I will always be the only one who knows all about me, so it seems reasonable to think that I might be the best one to know what will work for me.  And given my history of giving in to controlling and manipulative behavior, I find it even more important to figure things out for myself.

Besides, you learn from your mistakes.  Sometimes you need to be allowed to make them.  And if someone gives you advice... advice that you consider, and you just can't be sure it's right for you... I say it's time to follow the potato rule.

'Just Being' looks like this...

When I first decided that confronting my fears and fixing my future meant I'd be taking this path, I tried to think about what I WANTED out of my life.  And at that time, the only way I could put it was that I wanted to just be. That may not be a very descriptive term to some, but to me it gives a whole variety of peaceful images:

• sitting in the sunlight reading a book without being interrupted and reminded about the work that isn't getting done
• puttering around in a garden, looking at which flowers have sprouted without being asked when I'm going to get it weeded
• walking barefoot in the grass without someone having a fit because my feet are getting dirty
• eating grilled cheese sandwiches for supper because cooking a meal didn't feel like the evening's priority, and no one complaining that it's not healthy

So last night I came home from work.  My daughter is with me this week, but she spent yesterday evening with him to go to karate, so I had a few hours to myself.  I currently can't walk through the living room or dining room... they are so packed full of boxes and stuff, just dumped there when it was moved in.  So I should have gone to work inside, washing off bookshelves and storage shelves, carrying boxes down into the basement and library.  But I didn't.

'Just being' means not always doing what you should be doing.  It was sunny and beautiful... a bit chilly, but the rain has stopped and I wanted to enjoy it.

So I sat out on the driveway, surrounded by pails and dirt, and potted my summer geranium planters.  The dog whimpered nearby, upset at being tied just far enough away that she couldn't happily assist me in my digging.  New neighbors that I haven't yet met drove by and waved hello.

After cleaning up, I went to pick up my daughter.  We stopped by a friend's house who wanted to give us some of her unneeded household items to help me get started, then we made our way home.  I made sloppy joe sandwiches which we ate with leftover cucumber-tomato pasta salad.  At 11 pm. And no one complained.

'Just being' is rather nice.

Just shoot me now

I have some triggers... things that instantly set me off.  I'm trying to work at defusing them, but it's not working.

Comments, even joking ones, along these lines cause an instant reaction, and not a good one.  Any one of these can trigger almost instantaneous anger, emotional shutdown or a panic attack... or all of the above.

• Joking about the length of an email that I send
• Commenting that my feelings about something aren't appropriate
• Joking comments about something that is special or important to me
• Being angry at me

Unless you're really interested, I won't  go into any detail on why these trigger me.  My question is how you learn to move beyond the triggers and desensitize them?  How can you take away their power to control you?

May 10

That's the day I get my new washer & dryer.  And I can once again do my own laundry.  In my own house.  Without having to worry about my "lay flat to dry" items being shrunk to my daughter's size in the dryer. My stbx said I can do laundry over there until I get mine, which is generous & all.  But he doesn't want to pay for extra water so he puts everyone's stuff together, and washes them when I'm not around.  And I can't sit there all day and night to get my laundry done, so I come back to find my laundry washed, dried, and folded. Even the lay flat to dry items.

Some people might say, "Beggars can't be choosers."  I'd rather choose how my laundry gets done.

In other news, the judge rejected our request to have Doober excused from the "Transitions" program that all children 17 and under are required to attend prior to the divorce being finalized.  So I need to find out what he WILL accept as an alternative, since Doober's not here to attend the program until in June.  Campus counseling was suggested, but they don't have any divorce program that I am aware of, and I don't know what sort of documentation is needed to prove that he's had counseling either.

I haven't gotten home before 10 pm yet this week.  Tonight and tomorrow I have to stop by the stbx's house to go to storage together and load up everything we can.  Spending that much time together, rather than relaxing like I'd prefer, is sure to be a fun time, but it's gotta be done. 

Happy weekend, me.  Maybe sometime I can just sit and relax.

Bring on the flowers

This morning I woke up at 7:11 (The time, not the store, though the store would have been great since I don't have a coffee maker and they do.) 

It was raining.  Again.  They say that April showers bring May flowers.  But at the rate this is going, we'll have an ocean of water and have to skip directly to the Pilgrims. Rain depresses me.  I'm solar powered... bring on the sun.

It's lonely at the house with no kids and no dog this week.  The quiet is deafening at times. 

But it's nice to not have to cook meals or do dishes or whatever else on someone's schedule.  I still ate.  I still cleaned and organized.  I still did dishes.  I even got a decent amount of sleep (even though I'm still tired today!) 

But I didn't have anyone else telling me to do so.  And that's a new and strange thing.  And a little lonely.

Clouds

Sunday afternoon, I took a break from cleaning and moving things around in my new home.  I laid down on the rug to stretch my sore back.  My daughter came over and laid down next to me. Right above us was a skylight.

So we laid there together on the rug, looking at the clouds floating by in the brilliant blue sky, and commenting on what they looked like.

This is life.

And then I read posts like this one, and I get a little bit sad.  Because I want everyone else to know what life is too.  And those of you who over the years felt that sadness for me?

Thank you.

Five long years

Five years ago today, I was at a different place in my life, and my post from that day shows it clearly. It was obviously not a good place to be.

So today, I want to shout from the rooftops:

I AM FINALLY A TURTLE!!!

Doing what you don't want to do

The papers were signed today... now it's just the wait until the required time is past so they can be officially filed with the court. This means I can close on schedule on my new house... one week from today.  Which is a good thing, but I'm still having mixed feelings.  I want to be all happy and excited, yet it's somewhat sad to have reached this point... a point I never wanted to HAVE to reach.

Yes, I know I may seem to be over-analyzing and dwelling on the past.  But I think that is a necessary evil for myself at this time.  Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it, right?  I certainly don't want to repeat the same mistakes in the future that brought me to this point. No, I'm not blaming myself... but Ann Landers always says, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission."   So I need to stop giving people permission.

So back to the book I talked about yesterday...only one person answered my question... and he guessed right about my stbx.  Yes, his type is "Acts of Service."  Which to me explains why, when I told him I wanted a divorce, he 'worked on it' by doing the dishes and laundry on a regular basis, and then tried to claim that he had changed.  I couldn't figure out how my complaints about him being controlling and manipulative turned into him thinking that I was just tired of working so hard.  But if he sees doing things for people as a loving thing, it makes a little more sense.  He definitely would see that as him trying to work on things, even if he obviously had chosen to work on the wrong thing.

It also makes sense that he didn't feel the same void that I did in our life... because I was doing all sorts of things for him.  (Not willingly of course, but I still did them.)  So if he interpreted that as feeling loved, then he'd feel ok with how things were going.

On the other hand, my 'love language' is "Quality Time."  And for someone who is very focused on his goals, giving quality time was apparently something he didn't have time or see a need for.  So I went through many years feeling incredible loneliness and emptiness.  He put no thought or effort into any gifts he gave, so they meant nothing to me.  He'd buy flowers for the 'required' occasions, but never took the time to learn what types of flowers were my favorites.  I waited over 15 years for the cruise I had asked for when we'd been married about 7 years... the one he promised me we'd take between our 10th and 15th anniversaries.  A week after I gave up and told him I wanted a divorce, he put our 25th anniversary announcement in the newspaper saying we were taking a cruise over the winter.

EVERYONE needs to feel that they come first sometimes.  He may disagree, but I don't feel like I ever did.  We just spoke different love languages, I guess. 

I know we could have worked on that language thing... made things go a bit better.  But he still would have been controlling and manipulative.  And some things you just can't live with forever.

Sometimes you have to do what you never wanted to have to do.  And today, I'm a little sad about that.