The papers were signed today... now it's just the wait until the required time is past so they can be officially filed with the court. This means I can close on schedule on my new house... one week from today. Which is a good thing, but I'm still having mixed feelings. I want to be all happy and excited, yet it's somewhat sad to have reached this point... a point I never wanted to HAVE to reach.
Yes, I know I may seem to be over-analyzing and dwelling on the past. But I think that is a necessary evil for myself at this time. Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it, right? I certainly don't want to repeat the same mistakes in the future that brought me to this point. No, I'm not blaming myself... but Ann Landers always says, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." So I need to stop giving people permission.
So back to the book I talked about yesterday...only one person answered my question... and he guessed right about my stbx. Yes, his type is "Acts of Service." Which to me explains why, when I told him I wanted a divorce, he 'worked on it' by doing the dishes and laundry on a regular basis, and then tried to claim that he had changed. I couldn't figure out how my complaints about him being controlling and manipulative turned into him thinking that I was just tired of working so hard. But if he sees doing things for people as a loving thing, it makes a little more sense. He definitely would see that as him trying to work on things, even if he obviously had chosen to work on the wrong thing.
It also makes sense that he didn't feel the same void that I did in our life... because I was doing all sorts of things for him. (Not willingly of course, but I still did them.) So if he interpreted that as feeling loved, then he'd feel ok with how things were going.
On the other hand, my 'love language' is "Quality Time." And for someone who is very focused on his goals, giving quality time was apparently something he didn't have time or see a need for. So I went through many years feeling incredible loneliness and emptiness. He put no thought or effort into any gifts he gave, so they meant nothing to me. He'd buy flowers for the 'required' occasions, but never took the time to learn what types of flowers were my favorites. I waited over 15 years for the cruise I had asked for when we'd been married about 7 years... the one he promised me we'd take between our 10th and 15th anniversaries. A week after I gave up and told him I wanted a divorce, he put our 25th anniversary announcement in the newspaper saying we were taking a cruise over the winter.
EVERYONE needs to feel that they come first sometimes. He may disagree, but I don't feel like I ever did. We just spoke different love languages, I guess.
I know we could have worked on that language thing... made things go a bit better. But he still would have been controlling and manipulative. And some things you just can't live with forever.
Sometimes you have to do what you never wanted to have to do. And today, I'm a little sad about that.
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