Me time

I think that each of us has one need that is our deepest, and often most secret, need. We may not even consciously realize it. But even without that realization, we can go through life looking for people who fill it. We reach out to people, hoping they can meet that need, and we may even try to mold them into someone who can. But far too often they can't. Or won't.

Other times we seem to be fighting ourselves. We are our own worst enemies toward finding our happiness, by making sure we won't succeed.

I think I just realized what my need is. I need to be heard... to be really understood. To be accepted in spite of my flaws.

Through my life, I have allowed very few people inside. And that is quite counterproductive if I really want to be heard and understood. I have formed friendships with people who are totally unlike me. Again... not likely that they will understand me so not a very good fit for my need. I've found selfish friends who don't want to take the time to understand me. Friends who make jokes of long emails I send, trying to explain my feelings or behaviors. Friends who read them but just delete them without ever responding to any of the point... without making any attempt to show understanding and acceptance.

I don't need total agreement. I am quite willing to compromise on actions. But I can't compromise on being heard... on being understood.

I have started standing up for myself... doing what is important to me... finding my own interests instead of allowing others to dictate what I do. But I still haven't stopped trying to fit square friends into a round hole. I haven't stopped sending long emails to friends to explain how I feel because I know they wouldn't listen if I tried to say it out loud.

Really, how logical is that? If someone is too impatient to listen to spoken words, how will written words make any difference?

It's time to let go of dreams of past friendships becoming what I need them to be. It's time to look at reality. It's time to NOT compromise.