I learned how awesome it is to say, "No."
See, all that stress I was under in July and August wore me out. As you probably could tell by my strangled blog posts. I promised myself that I'd make it past the big end of August goal that I'd promised hubby we'd make (his goal, not mine, but I DID promise).
And I made it. Barely, but I kept pushing myself with little sleep, fighting my perfectionistic attitudes and forcing myself to settle for just a bit more than was feasible instead of having everything perfect.
And it got done. It wasn't perfect, but it was ok.
But I also promised myself that when that deadline was past, I was going to take care of me. Remember the post I made about depression? I lied. I didn't call.
But I would have, honest. Except that I found something out about myself - if I stand up for myself, I am ok.
The depression was coming from giving up myself for someone else's goals. From putting more of me into it than I had available to put in.
When deadline day hit, and everything was done as well as it could be in the time we had, I just crashed. Did nothing. And later in the day when the hubby mentioned what we were going to start doing next, I calmly said, "No."
"Oh, I didn't mean today. We'll wait a day or two," was his oh-so-generous response.
I reiterated my opinion. "No."
"What do you mean, 'No'?" he asked.
I wanted to sarcastically ask him which letter he didn't understand... the 'N' or the 'O'... but I didn't. Pat me on the back for my tact - it doesn't appear often!
Instead I proceeded to tell him that I had been stressed beyond my ability to handle it for too long and it had caused too much depression, and what he was asking for was not something I could or would handle. So my answer was "No."
He wasn't happy. But oddly enough, I was.
I felt as if a weight had lifted off of me. I had successfully stood up for myself! And I realized that my depression was stemming mostly from not focusing on myself and what I needed.
So I decided to hold off on using the counseling option offered by my work. I'll be getting an annual physical soon, and mentioning it to my doctor at that point. But I'm feeling so much better that I just decided to save the free sessions for sometime when we actually need them. Right now I don't.
And that is the power of "No."
Why couldn't I have learned that at age two like any normal toddler? It'd have made the past few months a lot more sane!
