Where are my damn pearls?

Since my eyes were opened to the realities of my own situation, I've seen similarities all around. I think emotional abuse is an epidemic, and it brings out such an intense sadness in me to see how many people are suffering and unable to see the realities of their situation. Or to see how many broken marriages are tied to the issue.

I think I was lucky to escape my situation as easily as I have. When a good friend first mentioned emotional abuse to me, I had no idea what the term even meant, but I lucked into a great book at the library. I've since discovered that this is probably among the best resources out there on the subject, and I've recommended it to several other people.

I've been asked if he can truly be as clueless as he seems about his role in all of this. My answer has always been that I really think he has zero ability to be introspective. It's hard to believe that someone could read a two page letter detailing emotional abuse, and think they could prove they had 'changed' by doing more housework. It's hard to believe that someone could be told they were selfish, and not even question why the person would claim that. That instead, they would go to other friends to ask if they were selfish, and use those answers to prove the original person was wrong.

Last night, my oldest son affirmed my perspective when he said, "Dad has barely enough self-awareness to look in a mirror and say 'That's me!'"

Sadly, he's probably right. I have some fear about the effect our relationship has had on the kids, but I hope that they can be somewhat unscathed since they can now see through him too. Seeing my life on paper in that book... in black & white... was a huge eye-opener to me.

I always wished and hoped that he could change, and when he never did, I always thought I just needed to make some changes in myself... to be that grain of sand that irritates the oyster to make a pearl. But when he mimicked so many of the behaviors the book talked about, I could finally accept that he wasn't going to change. Having to face that where you are is where you'll be forever unless you change something is an eye-opener. No pearls for me unless I make them myself.

But given all that irritation over the years, you'd think I'd have a treasure-chest full already.