My oldest son refused to hug me this weekend.
Saturday, I stopped by my ex's place to drop off some stuff (yes, as a side-note, he is an ex now... I learned last week that the divorce was final a week or so ago; I'm still not sure of the exact date) and to try to get some of my files off of his computer. Blondie was outside raking. And when I asked for a hug, he looked down at my poison-ivy-laden arms and muttered something about leprosy.
Last night, I dropped Pumpkin and Doober off for their week with the ex. And I asked Blondie if he was still going to refuse me a hug. He asked if I still had leprosy. I said I thought it was herpes, not leprosy.
I still didn't get a hug.
In other news, I had a fight with my resident poison ivy plant. I paired up with my good buddy, Roundup. Poison ivy is looking a bit under-the-weather now, but I'm not positive whether I can declare victory yet. But at least he has a few roots in the grave.
Showing posts with label conversations with kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversations with kids. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 06, 2011
Where are my damn pearls?
Since my eyes were opened to the realities of my own situation, I've seen similarities all around. I think emotional abuse is an epidemic, and it brings out such an intense sadness in me to see how many people are suffering and unable to see the realities of their situation. Or to see how many broken marriages are tied to the issue.
I think I was lucky to escape my situation as easily as I have. When a good friend first mentioned emotional abuse to me, I had no idea what the term even meant, but I lucked into a great book at the library. I've since discovered that this is probably among the best resources out there on the subject, and I've recommended it to several other people.
I've been asked if he can truly be as clueless as he seems about his role in all of this. My answer has always been that I really think he has zero ability to be introspective. It's hard to believe that someone could read a two page letter detailing emotional abuse, and think they could prove they had 'changed' by doing more housework. It's hard to believe that someone could be told they were selfish, and not even question why the person would claim that. That instead, they would go to other friends to ask if they were selfish, and use those answers to prove the original person was wrong.
Last night, my oldest son affirmed my perspective when he said, "Dad has barely enough self-awareness to look in a mirror and say 'That's me!'"
Sadly, he's probably right. I have some fear about the effect our relationship has had on the kids, but I hope that they can be somewhat unscathed since they can now see through him too. Seeing my life on paper in that book... in black & white... was a huge eye-opener to me.
I always wished and hoped that he could change, and when he never did, I always thought I just needed to make some changes in myself... to be that grain of sand that irritates the oyster to make a pearl. But when he mimicked so many of the behaviors the book talked about, I could finally accept that he wasn't going to change. Having to face that where you are is where you'll be forever unless you change something is an eye-opener. No pearls for me unless I make them myself.
But given all that irritation over the years, you'd think I'd have a treasure-chest full already.
I think I was lucky to escape my situation as easily as I have. When a good friend first mentioned emotional abuse to me, I had no idea what the term even meant, but I lucked into a great book at the library. I've since discovered that this is probably among the best resources out there on the subject, and I've recommended it to several other people.
I've been asked if he can truly be as clueless as he seems about his role in all of this. My answer has always been that I really think he has zero ability to be introspective. It's hard to believe that someone could read a two page letter detailing emotional abuse, and think they could prove they had 'changed' by doing more housework. It's hard to believe that someone could be told they were selfish, and not even question why the person would claim that. That instead, they would go to other friends to ask if they were selfish, and use those answers to prove the original person was wrong.
Last night, my oldest son affirmed my perspective when he said, "Dad has barely enough self-awareness to look in a mirror and say 'That's me!'"
Sadly, he's probably right. I have some fear about the effect our relationship has had on the kids, but I hope that they can be somewhat unscathed since they can now see through him too. Seeing my life on paper in that book... in black & white... was a huge eye-opener to me.
I always wished and hoped that he could change, and when he never did, I always thought I just needed to make some changes in myself... to be that grain of sand that irritates the oyster to make a pearl. But when he mimicked so many of the behaviors the book talked about, I could finally accept that he wasn't going to change. Having to face that where you are is where you'll be forever unless you change something is an eye-opener. No pearls for me unless I make them myself.
But given all that irritation over the years, you'd think I'd have a treasure-chest full already.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Puppy love is so cute!
My daughter is 14, almost 15. Her first 'boyfriend' lasted from mid-sixth grade through mid-eighth grade. They never actually dated, of course, but they still were 'going together'. In the year+ since he dumped her for another girl because she hadn't yet kissed him, she's had a few crushes but no one who liked her back.
Until recently.
She asked a boy to the winter formal, and he turned her down. She was rather upset, because she thought he liked her. She had asked me about the signs to even get brave enough to ask him. And I know the insecurity of working up the bravery to ask someone out, only to be turned down.
But he turned her down with an explanation that he was already going with a group of friends, which is actually a good reason since it's rude to ditch your friends for a date if you've already made plans with them.
But since he turned her down, they have been chatting daily on Facebook. And add texting nonstop to the mix, since I added texting to our cell phone plan a month ago. And a few days ago she told me we needed to make pumpkin oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for his birthday. In one of their conversations, she mentioned this type of cookies, and he said he'd never had them, so she felt this situation needed to be remedied.
Apparently he told her soon after the dance that he doesn't think going steady at their young age is a good idea. But last night? She sent me a text message while I was gone:
I wonder if it is really called 'going out' when you've never actually gone out?
* I should add... I adore how she still calls me 'mommy' privately. :) :)
Until recently.
She asked a boy to the winter formal, and he turned her down. She was rather upset, because she thought he liked her. She had asked me about the signs to even get brave enough to ask him. And I know the insecurity of working up the bravery to ask someone out, only to be turned down.
But he turned her down with an explanation that he was already going with a group of friends, which is actually a good reason since it's rude to ditch your friends for a date if you've already made plans with them.
But since he turned her down, they have been chatting daily on Facebook. And add texting nonstop to the mix, since I added texting to our cell phone plan a month ago. And a few days ago she told me we needed to make pumpkin oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for his birthday. In one of their conversations, she mentioned this type of cookies, and he said he'd never had them, so she felt this situation needed to be remedied.
Apparently he told her soon after the dance that he doesn't think going steady at their young age is a good idea. But last night? She sent me a text message while I was gone:
oh I forgot to tell you mommy but me and max are now 'going out' officially :) *
I wonder if it is really called 'going out' when you've never actually gone out?
* I should add... I adore how she still calls me 'mommy' privately. :) :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Share the love & the bagels
I'm a voracious reader. I have memorized lines that I quote from some of my favorite books. Books I've read multiple times.
My husband? Not so much.
He has a collection of theoretical physics books, chess books, sports books, etc. That he reads only at night before bed. About a page a night if we're lucky. Most of his books will never get read.
I adore books, and was determined that my kids would learn this love too. When they were young, we read together. Bedtime stories at night. Me pushing them to read words as they were able to begin.
And between first & third grades, I searched for the books that would reach them... the ones that could trap them into loving reading like I do. And when we found that mysterious hook, we bought every book that we could of that type. With my oldest son, it was The Magic Treehouse series. Son #2 fell for the Great Illustrated Classics. And the pumpkin fell for Junie B. Jones.
They all got tricked into reading via the bedtime stories. I was a tired mom with little kids and I'd sometimes doze off while reading. And they began to take over because they wanted more story than I could manage. So they corrected my words that I misread. Or sometimes they'd read to me when I couldn't stay awake. Or I'd come back to the book from the night before and be told that they had already finished it.
Tonight my daughter was talking about reading. Her friend Ramona doesn't like to read. She was complaining about having to go read x number of pages, and the pumpkin couldn't understand. Ramona apparently has a daily reading quota.
Pumpkin couldn't understand why you would read if you didn't want to. I explained that some kids just don't like to read, so the parents try to encourage it by insisting they do it. I continued by saying that by their age (junior high) it's too late to learn to love it.
And the pumpkin agreed. She told me that she always thought it was stupid how people tell you to read bedtime stories to your kids so they'll learn to like to read, but it worked. She totally credits the bedtime stories for her love of reading.
And it paid off for her even more this time. She just won a year's "bagel pack" (13 bagels & 2 cream cheeses a month, for a year) from Panera Bread in the library's summer reading contest.
Just think... a good book and a good bagel. What could be better?
My husband? Not so much.
He has a collection of theoretical physics books, chess books, sports books, etc. That he reads only at night before bed. About a page a night if we're lucky. Most of his books will never get read.
I adore books, and was determined that my kids would learn this love too. When they were young, we read together. Bedtime stories at night. Me pushing them to read words as they were able to begin.
And between first & third grades, I searched for the books that would reach them... the ones that could trap them into loving reading like I do. And when we found that mysterious hook, we bought every book that we could of that type. With my oldest son, it was The Magic Treehouse series. Son #2 fell for the Great Illustrated Classics. And the pumpkin fell for Junie B. Jones.
They all got tricked into reading via the bedtime stories. I was a tired mom with little kids and I'd sometimes doze off while reading. And they began to take over because they wanted more story than I could manage. So they corrected my words that I misread. Or sometimes they'd read to me when I couldn't stay awake. Or I'd come back to the book from the night before and be told that they had already finished it.
Tonight my daughter was talking about reading. Her friend Ramona doesn't like to read. She was complaining about having to go read x number of pages, and the pumpkin couldn't understand. Ramona apparently has a daily reading quota.
Pumpkin couldn't understand why you would read if you didn't want to. I explained that some kids just don't like to read, so the parents try to encourage it by insisting they do it. I continued by saying that by their age (junior high) it's too late to learn to love it.
And the pumpkin agreed. She told me that she always thought it was stupid how people tell you to read bedtime stories to your kids so they'll learn to like to read, but it worked. She totally credits the bedtime stories for her love of reading.
And it paid off for her even more this time. She just won a year's "bagel pack" (13 bagels & 2 cream cheeses a month, for a year) from Panera Bread in the library's summer reading contest.
Just think... a good book and a good bagel. What could be better?
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
And in current news....
I knew his new school was a good place for him.
And as a side note, you all need to check out this ebay auction. :)
blondie (11:20:02 PM): oh, and before i leave
mom (11:21:27 PM): so... what "before you leave"?
blondie (11:22:33 PM): well, ive had people (girls) who i dont know walk up to me and introduce themselves with alarming frequency
blondie (11:22:39 PM): i think i may be popular
blondie (11:22:44 PM): and dont tell dad
mom (11:22:46 PM): um... and that alarms you?
blondie (11:22:57 PM): no, just tha frequency
blondie (11:24:12 PM): like right now...
mom (11:24:15 PM): so am I supposed to give you advice or just smile and nod?
blondie (11:24:26 PM): someone i dont really kno is talkin to me on facebook
blondie (11:24:28 PM): and jus nod
mom (11:24:31 PM): lol ok
blondie (11:24:32 PM): and dont tell dad
blondie (11:24:35 PM): and...
blondie (11:24:36 PM): dont tell dad
mom (11:24:40 PM): but nodding makes me dizzy
mom (11:24:49 PM): and ok i won't tell dad. but why's it a big deal?
mom (11:24:55 PM): becuase he'll nag you to ask them out?
blondie (11:25:04 PM): yes
blondie (11:25:09 PM): exactly
blondie (11:25:15 PM): and if it makes you dizzy, dont nod
mom (11:26:10 PM): if you want to date you will
mom (11:27:01 PM): see? I told you that you're cute. and you thought i was just being your mother. :P
blondie (11:27:14 PM): what was i supposed to think?
mom (11:27:24 PM): that I know something? once in a while???
mom (11:27:42 PM): i'm not quite as stupid as I act!
mom (11:27:43 PM): lol
blondie (11:28:10 PM): ha
blondie (11:28:11 PM): hahaha
And as a side note, you all need to check out this ebay auction. :)
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Back to the new normal
Tuesday I took Blondie back to school again. I was so not ready.
Over the weekend while he was home (his first break home since we took him down on Aug 6), I kept asking him for hugs.
Which he dutifully doled out every time I asked.
I told him I was stocking up on them because the next break isn't until October. I'm not sure if you can stock up on hugs or not, because yesterday and today I was feeling rather un-stocked.
Seriously un-stocked.
I got an email today from his old Biology teacher. He visited his old school on Tuesday morning before I took him back, and the teacher commented about how he looked and sounded so much happier now, and that it appears that the move was a good one for him.
I'd have to agree. He's where he should be. He's making friends. He's branching out and socializing. He's finding himself. And he's finally just ONE of the smart kids. He's finally being challenged, yet he's not the smartest kid in his school so he can also feel like he fits.
And it's important for a kid to fit. I get that. But I still miss him like crazy.
When I dropped him off, I dragged out the goodbye by asking if he wanted to go out to get supper with me.
Duh... Steak & Shake or the dining hall. Which to choose...
When we got back to the dorm, I asked for a goodbye hug.
I'm back to crying again. Not as much as a month ago, but I'd guess his newest towel's in for a long stay on the bathroom rack.
Over the weekend while he was home (his first break home since we took him down on Aug 6), I kept asking him for hugs.
Which he dutifully doled out every time I asked.
I told him I was stocking up on them because the next break isn't until October. I'm not sure if you can stock up on hugs or not, because yesterday and today I was feeling rather un-stocked.
Seriously un-stocked.
I got an email today from his old Biology teacher. He visited his old school on Tuesday morning before I took him back, and the teacher commented about how he looked and sounded so much happier now, and that it appears that the move was a good one for him.
I'd have to agree. He's where he should be. He's making friends. He's branching out and socializing. He's finding himself. And he's finally just ONE of the smart kids. He's finally being challenged, yet he's not the smartest kid in his school so he can also feel like he fits.
And it's important for a kid to fit. I get that. But I still miss him like crazy.
When I dropped him off, I dragged out the goodbye by asking if he wanted to go out to get supper with me.
Duh... Steak & Shake or the dining hall. Which to choose...
When we got back to the dorm, I asked for a goodbye hug.
Me: I need another hug before I go.
*long hug*
Me: Do I have to let go?
Blondie: Yes.
Me: How soon?
Blondie: Now would be good.
*sigh*
I'm back to crying again. Not as much as a month ago, but I'd guess his newest towel's in for a long stay on the bathroom rack.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I've got a friend! (or at least I will!)
Last night, in between discussions on work schedule and when friend "Paddy" is coming over, Blondie let slip that he had been exchanging messages with Paddy to discuss it.
So then I did what any parent would do. I asked if I could be his friend too.
Well... he already was, but soon I'll have proof. :)
Blondie: Yes, I have a myspace account. [proudly] And I even have 4 friends.He laughed again as he mentioned that she has 400 friends. Jenny will be attending his new school too, so I'm glad they are at least somewhat friends. Of course, I don't think Jenny has ever met anyone who isn't a friend.
Me: Is any of them a girl?
Blondie: [laughing] One... Jenny.
So then I did what any parent would do. I asked if I could be his friend too.
Blondie: You have to have a myspace account.We discussed why I had made a myspace account (which I despise) as well as my one friend, conveniently ignoring my request to be his friend. But later, I walked into his room and sat sadly on his bed.
Me: [gives Blondie a "duh" look}
Blondie: You have one?
Me: Yup. And I even have one friend!
Blondie: What???????Yes, I really do make my kid talk to BG on the phone whenever possible. And now I owe her. Because he's not the most social kid on the planet [note the understatement there... lol] and she got him to agree to use IM. AND he's going to be my friend too.
Me: You won't be my friend. [cute pout]
Blondie: I don't have to be your friend. I see you every day.
Me: In a month you won't. In a month you'll be gone. [more cute pouts]
Blondie: Ok. In a month I'll be your friend. [brief pause to think] But then I won't have to use IM.
Me: [silence. trying to think fast.]
Blondie: Oh wait. I guess I do have to. I promised BG on the phone. Ok, I'll use IM too.
Well... he already was, but soon I'll have proof. :)
Friday, May 30, 2008
About the birds & the bees
My daughter is going to be 12 soon. And my hubby has decreed that it's time to give her 'the talk'.
I hate that concept. That 'the talk' is a one-time thing. That you have to give it all to them at once. Sit them down and beat them over the head with the facts of life, so to speak.
My daughter and I talk pretty freely. She's still at the age where she thinks mom knows a thing or two. I dread the next couple of years... I know that will change! But for now, she asks me things when she has a question. And when she asks, I go into more detail on related topics, until she indicates that she has done all the listening she cares to do.
Then I stop. Because I'm not the beat-them-over-the-head type.
But I admit, I've been fearing 'the talk'. Because I know there are things she won't ask me. And I really don't know how and where to begin with it.
Yes I do know the details. I just have no experience in how to explain them to a kid that age. Because MY talks from MY parents? Went like this.
Talk #1 - with mom. End of 7th grade.
Talk #2 - with dad. Summer break, sometime during college years. I forget the lead-in topic. Thank goodness for small blessings.
So you see, my only experience with having the talk personally was only helpful in what NOT to do.
I sort of gave 'the talk' to my oldest son, probably when he was a 4th grader or so. The hubby wasn't too happy about that - apparently it's the father's job. So he conveniently forgot about that, and only remembers how HE gave both boys their talk.
But really, I did it first. Blondie & I were at a mall. He wandered off, as he typically does. And when I found him, in a panicked voice I told him, "You can't just wander off. If I lose you, your father will want me to replace you, and I am NOT having more kids."
Dumb statement, I know. Because he is a bright kid. And his immediate answer? "So how do you keep from having kids?"
Yeah, definitely the topic you want to cover in the center of a shopping mall. But I knew he wasn't going to be put off any longer; I'd been putting him off ever since he was in kindergarten and watched a PBS show on fertilization showing videos of sperm swimming and banging their poor little heads into eggs.
Or maybe it was earlier when he was 3 or 4, sitting in the bathtub. He noticed his stiffy, and asked me, "Does it have a bone in it?"
"Sometimes."
I hate that concept. That 'the talk' is a one-time thing. That you have to give it all to them at once. Sit them down and beat them over the head with the facts of life, so to speak.
My daughter and I talk pretty freely. She's still at the age where she thinks mom knows a thing or two. I dread the next couple of years... I know that will change! But for now, she asks me things when she has a question. And when she asks, I go into more detail on related topics, until she indicates that she has done all the listening she cares to do.
Then I stop. Because I'm not the beat-them-over-the-head type.
But I admit, I've been fearing 'the talk'. Because I know there are things she won't ask me. And I really don't know how and where to begin with it.
Yes I do know the details. I just have no experience in how to explain them to a kid that age. Because MY talks from MY parents? Went like this.
Talk #1 - with mom. End of 7th grade.
Mom: (filling out Lara's summer camp forms) You do know about menstruation, right?End of talk #1.
Lara: (who learned in 5th grade health classes & from asking questions of a cousin) Yes.
Talk #2 - with dad. Summer break, sometime during college years. I forget the lead-in topic. Thank goodness for small blessings.
Dad: Sex should wait until marriage.End of talk #2. Whew!
Lara: (no comment. Silently wondering why I'm getting 'the talk' at age 20!)
Dad: Your mom and I are old, but we still enjoy it.
Lara: (still no comment. I really don't want to think about this!)
So you see, my only experience with having the talk personally was only helpful in what NOT to do.
I sort of gave 'the talk' to my oldest son, probably when he was a 4th grader or so. The hubby wasn't too happy about that - apparently it's the father's job. So he conveniently forgot about that, and only remembers how HE gave both boys their talk.
But really, I did it first. Blondie & I were at a mall. He wandered off, as he typically does. And when I found him, in a panicked voice I told him, "You can't just wander off. If I lose you, your father will want me to replace you, and I am NOT having more kids."
Dumb statement, I know. Because he is a bright kid. And his immediate answer? "So how do you keep from having kids?"
Yeah, definitely the topic you want to cover in the center of a shopping mall. But I knew he wasn't going to be put off any longer; I'd been putting him off ever since he was in kindergarten and watched a PBS show on fertilization showing videos of sperm swimming and banging their poor little heads into eggs.
Or maybe it was earlier when he was 3 or 4, sitting in the bathtub. He noticed his stiffy, and asked me, "Does it have a bone in it?"
"Sometimes."
Monday, May 05, 2008
Mother's Week
This week is teacher's week at my kids' school. As I was brushing my daughter's ponytail, I mentioned this fact to her.
She noted, in reply, that it wasn't fair. "Why do teachers get a whole week, and mothers only get one day?"
She's such a good daughter. And one hell of a brown-noser too.
(No disrespect meant to those of you who are teachers... trust me, I wouldn't want your job, and I appreciate greatly that you are willing to do what I couldn't do! But you know those kids you're so glad to see go home at the end of the day? We have them the other 16 hours of the day. And we have to force them to do all that homework that you assign them on top of the chores I had intended for them to do.)
"You're right," I replied. "Mothers should have a whole week."
"And daughters too," she bargained. "We could go shopping all week or something."
See? I told you she was a brown-noser. Gotta love that in a kid.
She noted, in reply, that it wasn't fair. "Why do teachers get a whole week, and mothers only get one day?"
She's such a good daughter. And one hell of a brown-noser too.
(No disrespect meant to those of you who are teachers... trust me, I wouldn't want your job, and I appreciate greatly that you are willing to do what I couldn't do! But you know those kids you're so glad to see go home at the end of the day? We have them the other 16 hours of the day. And we have to force them to do all that homework that you assign them on top of the chores I had intended for them to do.)
"You're right," I replied. "Mothers should have a whole week."
"And daughters too," she bargained. "We could go shopping all week or something."
See? I told you she was a brown-noser. Gotta love that in a kid.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Pretension
My kids attend private schools. We are fairly comfortably middle-class, but definitely not well-off. In public schools, we would appear much wealthier than we do among the private school crowds. In that circle, we're like the poor cousins that you have to invite to the family gathering, but you sort of hope they don't show up.
Last Wednesday afternoon, son #2 had to catch a ride with some classmates to take a high school placement test to finalize next year's schedule. When I picked him up, he asked me a very important question.
"Mom, can we not get an Escalade?"
Now, I can be a tad annoying at times. I love being difficult, just for the sake of being difficult. But this time? I knew how distressed he was. I knew how deeply he needed reassurance, to feel safe in his life again.
So I gave him the answer he longed for, "Yes, I'm pretty sure we can not get an Escalade."
And I'm just glad he didn't beg for one. Because I'd still be pretty sure we couldn't get one.
Last Wednesday afternoon, son #2 had to catch a ride with some classmates to take a high school placement test to finalize next year's schedule. When I picked him up, he asked me a very important question.
"Mom, can we not get an Escalade?"
Now, I can be a tad annoying at times. I love being difficult, just for the sake of being difficult. But this time? I knew how distressed he was. I knew how deeply he needed reassurance, to feel safe in his life again.
So I gave him the answer he longed for, "Yes, I'm pretty sure we can not get an Escalade."
And I'm just glad he didn't beg for one. Because I'd still be pretty sure we couldn't get one.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Damn. I want one too!
This morning I was lying in bed, ignoring the fact that I should be getting kids up for school. In walked my daughter.Daughter: Mom? This morning I woke up at 5:30.Edit: For those who wondered why I bought my daughter a vibrating bed. Really, I didn't. Now stop dialing the CPS number please.
Me: Yeah, it was probably because the phone rang. Someone called and didn't talk when I answered.
Daughter: No, my alarm went off. I was just listening to the radio because I was too lazy to turn it off, but my bed started vibrating.
Me: Vibrating?
Daughter: Yeah, and then I turned off the alarm, and it vibrated a little more and then stopped.
Me: Wow. And you didn't even have to put a quarter in it?
Thursday, April 03, 2008
A moment of bonding
Last night, I was on Son #2's bed, watching him at the computer. I was being a lazy-ass and not wanting to move.
I heard hubby on the phone with a friend. I heard him say something including the phrase, "what the hell...".
Son #2 heard the phrase too.
"Dad just said a bad word," he commented. (He is 13, and no he doesn't usually talk like that. He was being a little silly to make a point that his father always points out HIS bad words.)
"Yes, and it pisses me off," I responded.
Then we giggled together.
I heard hubby on the phone with a friend. I heard him say something including the phrase, "what the hell...".
Son #2 heard the phrase too.
"Dad just said a bad word," he commented. (He is 13, and no he doesn't usually talk like that. He was being a little silly to make a point that his father always points out HIS bad words.)
"Yes, and it pisses me off," I responded.
Then we giggled together.
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